Monday, September 20, 2004

105 days: there's a party right here

Music. Food for the body.

Go to
HERE and listen to Damien Rice, featuring Lisa Hannigan.

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around
volcanoes melt you down
What I am to you
is not real
What I am to you
you do not need
What I am to you
is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea
Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need
Don't drag my love around
volcanoes melt me down



I have had two dreams so far about killing my own child. Well, the last one I saw her die, so it's indirectly I suppose.

In last night's dream, I was at a library at the top of the World Trade Centre. ( because of some video I watched on the WTC before i slept.)

It didn't look anything like the WTC though, but that's what I knew it was.

Then I remember they said there was a simulation exercise. We had to evacuate. So everyone went out this door, that lead out of the top of the building. There was a little platform to stand on, as if you're gonna base jump.

The surroundings were dark. Reddish dark. No sun. As if it all took place in a huge amphitheatre.

Then, there we these two long cloth ropes. Those kind princesses make when they want to escape from their castle. The ropes were very thick, and knotted.

At each knot, as far as my eye could see down (building was curved, so i can't see the bottom), there were already people hanging on to each knot. Lots and lots of people.

I took the last one, the knot right at the top. The rope had a metal ring at the top which was hooked to the building.

Somehow, there wasn't much weight on the rope, and when I was holding on to it, the metal ring came off the hook.

And we fell.

I felt like I was holding on to everyone. It was so heavy. People were screaming. I kept trying to twist my hand arounf the rope for a better grip. I thought the rope would save us, like work like a parachute.

I was worried my hand would break from the weight.

Then we hit the bottom. It looked like the bottom of a canyon. There were rocks and the ground was brown.

I wasn't hurt. But I saw bodies limply being flung against the rock. I could hear the thuds of bodies, I saw them being twisted in rather inhuman ways.

I was lying on the floor, and a child was lying in front of me.

I knew it was my daughter, somehow. I crawled to her.

She had a fringe, black hair. About 8 or 9 years old. Her left eye and nose was bloodied, as if she landed on a rock at the back of her head and the rest of her head got protruded out. But she didn't look too disfigured.

I thought she was dead, and I was crying. Then suddenly, her right eye opened, and she saw me and she said, "Mommy?"

And I was going Yes, yes I'm here.

Her last words were "Mommy? I just want to know if you love me."

And I said "Yes, of course I love you. I love you."

Then I don't remember anything else.