Tuesday, October 19, 2004

60 days: There's nothing left to be desired

No that's not true. I don't know whether my list of desires will end, but it certainly still exists now. Anyway, that's just a line from the song currently haunting me... actually it's just the voice of K D Lang.... yes... not the Hollies version.

I just realised this is the freakin' third blog I've had "today". My day doesn't end still I sleep, so don't get technical with me.

But I was just thinking of xiaxue's blog, and I think if anyone wants to talk about the freedom of speech... they should visit her site. I started out thinking she was quite repulsive, but her blog persona at least, is honest. For all her rantings about her beauty, she does unabashedly show before and after photoshop photos... i don't know why she does that, but it's interesting to me.

I overheard something in a conversation in the room next door, which made me think of stuff.

I know it's not good to hate. You don't hate things unless you'd kill it if given a choice, so I can safely say that, ya, this one is on my list of "HATE" alongside pedophiles (at least, those that don't seek treatment).

The thing i hate isn't so much a thing, but a sentence. A sentence articulated with impatience and accompanied by a face etched with scorn.

"What's wrong with you?"

What the FUCK. Typing it makes my blood boil. I hate it because it's been used on me once too often by various people. The automatic response in my head now whenever I hear it is:

"Nothing. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me."

Maybe I'm over-reacting. But few other things make me react this way. If you really think about it, it has a lot of implications. It's not as straight-forward as it seems. But then again, I'm sensitive, so you might just want to label me psycho and move on.

Maybe it's the articulation of my worst fears. That there is indeed something very wrong with me. Maybe it's denial. I don't know. Maybe it's because whenever somebody uses that line on me, it's in the midst of an argument, and I guess I don't like it when you're pushing all the blame to me by saying that this is happening because i'm a defective piece of equipment. It's dismissive and demeaning.

And I just realised that I use that on people too. Well, to all the people I've used the line on, i'm truely very sorry. I wasn't thinking.


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Something in Kundera's The Book of Laughter and Forgetting, if i remember correctly anyway, said something about an old man having an affair with his young student.

It said something about how she couldn't understand him, because the music of his life has already been composed. He is playing his own tune, and she is listening in, but not comprehending because she doesn't know how the music was written.

Then Kundera talks about the person who "grew up" with this man. He had composed the music of his life with her, and their notes blended together because they co-wrote it.

And it just makes me think, that when do we become complete? A neatly packaged box that can never be changed, that it's a case of either you get it, or you don't. No compromise, no change. And I feel sorry for his young student, because she's listening so earnestly, but he is not explaning the music to her.

And I wonder, if we attach symbols, or musical notes, to each person we have a relationship with. And that symbol becomes forever attached to that person. It can no longer be used for anyone else, even if you wish it weren't that way.

And I wonder, what happens when you run out of symbols? When the last page of your life has been written, and there is no space for anything else? What happens then? It all has to end sometime.

2 comments:

Ghim Lay said...

Symbols can be attached to people, but I believe that as people change over time, these symbols can too. Besides, life is always full of surprises, you never know who you are going to meet.

Ghim Lay said...

And I don't think we ever become "complete" till the day we die. As if completeness is easy to define, you know what I mean? You can't ever become a "fixed" character when every day, every person and every experience changes you. Sp yup, a lot of things make who we are, and this process doesn't stop.