Tuesday, October 12, 2004

82 days: Out of Sorts

Weird things have been happening recently. I'm not too sure if my pms is starting, or my sensitivity mode is going into overdrive or what, but I just get the sense that a lot of people are pissed at me.

It's the looks I get sometimes when I go to school, some people who I used to think I got along with fine have somehow put on a veneer of steel between me and them. It's transparent, it's thin, but it's there, and I feel it. Smiles are forced, conversations seem scripted, and I'm just standing there wondering what on earth did I do to make them unhappy or upset with me.

I have a very bad feeling that I'm never going to find out unless I ask. Maybe the truth is they misunderstood me, maybe they didn't. Maybe I really did something wrong which I wasn't aware off, and that's the worst. Because right now I feel my conscience is clear, but that's only because I think I know everything... I might've done something I forgot about.

It's quite sad really, and I feel like asking them what's wrong. I try to be friendly and all, but nothing has changed.

What on earth did I do? Why can't they tell me?

I appreciated it when someone came to tell me off after I did something to piss her off. Don't pretend to be ok with me when it's not. Just tell me, let me explain, perhaps forgive me, so we can move on.

Because I never mean to do a lot of the things I do which hurt people, and as you all know, it's only during the aftermath that you regret, not before.

And I just get this sense of immense misunderstanding and prejudice and stereotyping flying all around the school. I think the whole PI situation aggravated it greatly.

While I'm not about to detail what I think is going on, I do think that some people have very rashly jumped to certain false conclusions.

Somebody mentioned to me before that she felt a whole lot of competitiveness flying around the school, especially in the journ division. While I do agree that the journ division seem to have by far the most ambitious people, I disagree with that definition of "competitivenss"

When people use that word, they imply some sense that others are trying to up one on you, trying to gain the upper hand over you - in other words it's taken to be a very personal threat.

But it's not like that at all, everyone's just doing their own thing. Some are better than others, but is that their fault? I seriously don't believe anybody is trying deliberately hard just so as to be BETTER than other people.

So to me, there is competition, but competition in the sense of may the best man win, not dammit that man is trying to be better than me and I better not let him.

But some people differ, it's their loss.


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Hey Xinyi here hope you dun mind me snooping in on your blog haha just wanted to say hi heh. Cant comment about what you say about the competitiveness in CS maybe it's a batch thing la but if it makes u feel better i'll try to smile more radiantly at you the next time we meet at cs k ? Even though you are the editor/stress and piling deadlines make one frown rather than smile/u like to poke my fats. hehehe.

Oh and I really like your blog :)

Ghim Lay said...

It's all a matter of how you define competitiveness. Maybe people in journ aren't at each other's throats, but there is definitely a sense of some people wanting to know what others are up to. And I find that pressurising and intimidating sometimes. The PI business hasn't been helping. Maybe you don't feel it that much since you are going to Bangladesh, but I'm tired of listening to people being upset over it. People who feel upset that they didn't get something, people who worried themselves sick over PI, people who are so intimidated by the "competition" when they go for an interview with a news wire. And when I say people, I don't mean everyone of course. There are some individuals who really can't be bothered about PI, but there were some who were very concerned. There's no right or wrong in this case, but when you have some really ambitious and some really smart people in one division, pressure is bound to be there. And it certainly doesn't make me feel better when people come up to me and say the same thing and how they are so glad they didn't choose to do journ cos it's cut throat etc. Makes me wonder if we seem like a bunch of heartless workaholics to them. At the end of the day, it's all a matter of perspective. Be true to yourself and what you say, and don't be affected by others. But of course, that's easier said than done.

As for the part about people being unfriendly, it could be because everyone's stressed. And honestly, I don't even see you much in school anymore so I don't know who you are encountering. But if I was you and it bothers me, I would go up to the person and ask. Better than wondering what's the problem and constructing worst case scenarios you know?

Ghim Lay said...

And I left this out... If you have a few ambitious people together in the same course, going after the same grades, competition is bound to be there. It's subtle maybe, but it's there. And competition can be both good or bad. Some people love it, some people don't. And that's up to the individual to decide isn't it?

the prole said...

Hmmm...looking at things from the grand-system-theory-of-things perspective...its the system lor.

Well, i think you are never into the scholarly competition shit, so there it is...