Tuesday, November 23, 2004


My arm hurts like fuck.

No thanks to one of three vaccinations I had to get before leaving. I'm not sure if this is the tetanus or typhoid - either way it hurts like hell and it's been two days. Bloody fuck.

It's barely a week after my exams and already I'm vegetating. Obviously the useless arm is of no help, but some serious cramps.

Oh my god.

I HAVE turned into armlessgirl. Though I left those days behind me when I dumped ICQ.

Anyway, I'm getting tired of reading. I fear I may pick up a chick-book after Forster's plotless short stories. Bridget Jones' Diary was very entertaining, although depressing because I realise now that if reality is anything like the one depicted in the book - I will fail and fail again because, as I've said before, I cannot play by the rules.

Plus have been doing too much mindless blog- and friendster-surfing. This is disgusting, my bum is going to become permanently flat soon.

And yet, because irony is the spice and dice of life, I actually have a lot of things to do. Have you ever wished that there were two of you? Minus harrowing doppelganger scenario.

Ran into very yummmy Neil Murphy in NIE on my last day of school, and sometimes I just wish I had enough guts to ask people out for drinks. Yes he's married with a kid but I'm not exactly looking for THAT kind of relationship if you know what I mean. I just feel quite fed up when interesting people flit in and out of my life and I just don't have the guts to make them stay still.

I mean, the guy stayed in Israel till it got too dangerous for his family... teaching English and stuff. When I asked "Are you Irish?" He said "Unfortunately so." Plus the fact that he smokes means he CAN'T be that much of a prude. And he disses NIE and NTU all the time!

Wow I'm turning into Bridget. Curse that movie/book I'm really starting to resent it in a weird way.

He's hot property though, if my NIE friend has anything to say about it. Married with kids, this is what she said when I told her it seems as if she had some sort of a puppy-love crush on him. "Puppy love? Please, so juvenile. I'll be his bitch."

Wow. Ok.

Next step - find out age and horoscope.

Wish he were female. So can ask him out without anyone thinking wrongly, especially him. Wow a chat about Middle Eastern politics, Irish history, literature - I could drink all night. Maybe I'm thinking too much, and should just do it. My conscience is clear after all.... ah shucks.

I'm feeling a bit sucky that my own boyfriend spends more time with his best friend and girlfriend than me. And its my own fault. Starting to re-experience very very very familiar thoughts that I thought I'd left behind after the previous one.

I have to compromise, because I know if I have to make a decision, I will always choose myself over anything else. I am selfish like that, but most of all because the belief that "i owe no one anything and I can't depend on anyone for anything" has been hammered down a bit too hard and the dent hurts sometimes. I still haven't forgiven Nick for making me choose, even though it was my choice in the end, because not everything is Yes or No. There's compromise.

Which reminds me of a conversation I had with my dad, okay okay it was an argument, when he accused me vehemently of always wanting "to go against the norm". Bangladesh of all places! And that hurts, because I have been accused by those i love of trying too hard to be different, when i'm just trying to be myself.

"why is it that everything that is not going WITH the norm, is going AGAINST it? The world isn't black and white pa, there are thousands of shades of grey, and you know it."

He didn't have much to say after that, and I felt scared, that I had told my dad something he should have yet didn't known. And I don't like to think that I have taught him something and ended up making him feel stupid and old because he is my dad and I always want him to think that he's better, smarter, wiser and that I need him more than he needs me.

I feel very grateful to all those who have supported my Dhaka trip. Which is, almost everyone I know, with a few very disappointing exceptions. I can't make people feel and think the way I do, but because I know I can't do that, and I don't expect to do that, people shouldn't expect me to feel and think the way they do either. Which is a phenomenon that happens too much. Since when has giving support been so difficult? I will never put down another person's dreams again


mangomaiden said...

Wow, i love that line about how why something that doesn't go with the norm should necessarily be something that goes against it... how true. And regarding Neil, could you please bloody ask him out for a drink?

Good conversation is so darn painfully hard to come by...