Friday, January 21, 2005


EMJEM has finally outdone itself. I don't care if it was a publicity thing, or some insincere way to grab attention, but Shawn Ban has finally posted the posts of all posts, on a website I hesitate to call a blog.

Please do pay it a visit,

It's kinda changed from what it used to be previously, but for the better. I always hesitated praising it even though I clearly enjoyed reading it because there always was too much arrogance and ego in it. And you guys know what human nature (or my flawed one anyway) is like.

But I don't mind saying it now, that what appears to be the last official EMJEM entry(s) is by far the best entry I've ever read online by a Singaporean.

Maybe it's his admission of the fallacies his site had previously when it was all about himself. Its just so out of character that I can't help but be sceptical, but it's the difference that makes me want to tell everyone to read it.

He knows he's smart, everyone tells him that, so I guess it doesn't hurt that I do it too. Can't change a fact, can you?

But he's always articulated issues that I had in my mind in a way I could never express, with such brevity and clarity that I kinda wish we were still on talking terms.

And that's the main reason why I'm writing an entry on EMJEM, because his last entry, or the second last page of it anyway, talks about the whole idea of a person being "fundamentally alone" (never thought I'd ever be quoting him) in the world, and how the realisation of that fact is the beginning of everything that we could ever hope for.

It's exactly what I've been thinking about for so long, and what I've been discussing with people, and what I want to do. I'm still far from it though, but there's always a first step eh? And now, FINALLY, anyone I broach this subject with... I can just tell them to go read it because it summarises everything that I feel but never could say properly.

Thanks Ban, you're one smart dude.

Before I left Singapore, I had high hopes of coming back different. I think it was foolish of me to expect that, as if a trip here would provide me with a miraculous answer to a question that I couldn't ask.

It's only been three weeks though, and it's also definately foolish of me to make any sort of definitive statement about the reasons for my trip here and what I hope to accomplish.

However, I can speculate.

I don't think it would possible for me to change my character just because I am in a different environment. Which was what I assumed would happen. Such foolishness. Six months is nothing.

But I think I can build on what I already have. And hopefully, finally understand and embrace that thing which I've been preaching without practicing. That I am fundamentally alone, and I have to accept that, and see that it isn't a harder choice, but the right one.

And do things without worrying about what other people think, and let people judge me if they want. I've always known that I was responsible for my own happiness, but I've never been able to accept that responsibility because it seemed easier not to.

It's terrible that I've not done what I've told others to do. And I won't say it anymore till I've done it myself.

All these promises to myself that I hope to keep. It's not the first time I've said such things to myself, and end up exactly where I started.

But if I can't even fulfill a promise to myself, what can I offer to others? Nothing.

So what's different this time? What's going to make it work? I've said this so many times, and I know it so well, words are just words.

I think all this time, I spent too much time thinking about it in words, spend too much effort in articulating it, without really doing anything. Maybe I felt as if I was doing something simply by talking or thinking about it. *sigh* such foolishness.

But since I've come here, I've grown tired of words, it's hard to explain, but sometimes I catch myself not talking when, in any normal circumstances at home, I would have. And it's not that I've nothing to say, it's just I've realised how useless talking is. No point, really no point.

And because of that, I think I realise that all my talk was really such a pathetic attempt to fulfill my own ego in some way. I don't know why it's different here, I'm certainly no less egoistic or more humble. I really can't say what's the difference.

I still love words, in the literary sense, I've always found them beautiful. But to use them on myself... entirely different matter.

So, this is the last entry about myself. I won't waste anymore time talking about myself. I don't know if it's because reading Ban's entry set off a little "eureka" in my head.. probably did.. subconsciously... either way, this has got to stop.