Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The most disgusting man ever.

I have not felt so repulsed for quite a while, until this bloke Malu appeared on the scene. He is so repulsive and disgusting as a human being that I cannot feel pissed at him, only disgust.

It's just so disappointing that someone who has supposedly read a lot of stuff can turn out to be the world's biggest asshole. I'm not exaggerating... The list of things that he has and has not done is extensive, ranging from arrogance and plain stupidity at the workplace to insensitivity on a interpersonal level.

He sucks up to the boss and ratted on our caretaker, saying that the dude beats his wife. Now we all suspected this, but we weren't stupid enough to do this without proof. And he of all people, is in no position to do as a wannabe womanizer.

He has a knack of appearing important and busy when in actual fact he has not done anything other than drink and slack. Always putting on this oh-so-stressed face that just pisses me off because I know he has no idea what he's talking about.

He has the audacity to brief us and delegate work on a proposal which he has not read himself.

He has no idea what broadband is.

In fact, I think it's safe to say he has no idea what he's doing at all. It doesn't help that his physical appearance induces feelings of disgust as well.

But he's good at pretending to be smart, so unless a person works with him or stays with him for long, they'll think he's some sorta maverick. And thus it's not a good idea for me to be rude to him, because he can just backstab me in front of the boss who i heard still thinks highly of him.

Work place blues,... who doesn't have them eh? It's worse cos i live next door to him, but thankfully i don't bump into him in hostel that often.

Other than that, I've cut down on giving money to beggars. It did get tiring after a while, because it seems like there are more and more of them. And they are persistant, believe you me. the vehicles we take are open-air, and they'll stand right next to when u stop at a red light and stay there till u leave.

I did expect to get immune... but not this fast.

It's just what this place shows you - that life can be real shitty, and that's just the way it is, and it's no one's fault.

From the cows and goats being led to slaughter, the half naked children lying on the dirty floor where men spit and urinate, the drug addicts curled up under their blankets in the middle of the pavement, the mothers with babies that look lifeless and half-dead, the boy who works at the cafe who has the eyes of an old man but the smile of a child...

You just feel that this is reality, this is the way things are, and to feel pity and sorrow is simply useless.

Sure, I wish things could be better for these people, that these children could grow up with proper food and clothes and homes... but wishing for all that and feeling pity that it's not already like that just cumulates in a overwhelming sense of utter uselessness. That there's really no point.

Last night in my room for some reason or other, I just kept thinking of all the children who can't get a good night's sleep... and all the bad things happening in the world. I know it's a super generalised way to put it, but I just mentally mapped out the world, and thought of all the problems in every region... the beggars freezing to death in New York, the people whose families have been massacred in... oh... so many so many places...

And in the past, when I had thoughts like this I would feel so sad, so much pity, and filled with some kinda yearning that all this could go away...

But last night all I felt was that I was wasting my time, that I was indulging in my own ego, that I was so insignificant in the big scheme of things that my sorrow would make no difference, do no one any good, but to satisfy my own self-indulgence. And it was a shameful feeling, and I won't do that anymore. In the past I thought it was good to remind myself of all the bad that's going on, so that I would be grateful for what I have.

But i've been lying to myself... i just felt more humane by recognising other pple's sorrows.. but i was exploiting them for my own self-gratification.

Ah well.

Gonna eat some cake now.


Anonymous said...

"You just feel that this is reality, this is the way things are, and to feel pity and sorrow is simply useless."

"But i've been lying to myself... i just felt more humane by recognising other pple's sorrows.. but i was exploiting them for my own self-gratification."

correct! finally we agree on something 8)


notle said...

i think that if u think about it hard enough.u will realise that nothing we ever do is a complete "unselfish" it donating money to charity,or helping other people.

more often than not,we just want to feel better,that's why we do those things.