Wednesday, August 31, 2005


10 minutes early for a morning class. Who would've thought?

Realised yesterday how lucky I was to be able to have easy access to great live music - thanks to the boy and his musical friends. I mean, it's hard enough finding bands that play reasonably well... much less find those that play songs you like.

Had a bit of a strange day VS night conundrum, when I found the Esplanade area looking a tad alien and unfamiliar because I was seeing it in the day... and also when I realised that there are some faces that I've never seen lit by sunlight. Not that they don't go into the sun laaah.

Made me feel vampire-ish... which is ridiculous, because I'm more of a day than night person.

Anyway... listening to live music rocks jess's socks. Better still when you know the musicians themselves are loving it.

And from my now-defunct project on graffiti:


I enjoyed playing guess-where-the-kids-go-to-do-illegal-scrawlings. But half the fun of climbing around steep inclines and squeezing myself into rather uninviting looking spaces evaporated NO THANKS to either my lack of back and shoulder muscles or a too heavy backpack - depending on how you want to look at it.

I am a turtle whose shell is now too heavy. =(

Monday, August 29, 2005

Sex and Sushi

(all puns deliberate and intended)

Had quite an aurally stimulating dinner when Darren and myself had the pure unadulterated luck of sitting next to a twosome intent on talking about sex.

It was quite like an audio rendition of SPG and Sash's blogs.

Set the scene - Japanese restaurant at Marina Square, a large-sized Indian fella in work clothes and a tall but petite Chinese girl in casual denims.

My back was towards them, but I guess Darren's horrified face was enough entertainment.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think we're prudes but... well get a load of this (just the gist, I can't remember ALL the details):

M: "So what was your weirdest?"
F: "On the dining table... with my mom in the house!"
M: "My god.. how's that even possible?"
F: "There are ways... exciting what!"

I think that was uttered around the time we were placing our orders.. and I didn't know whether or not to ignore it at first. Then,

F: "So.. what about yours?"
M: "Oh, I've done a couple of orgies... the biggest one was organised by mumblemumble"
F: "ahh...."
M: "Yeah.. you just go there.. taking shot after shot.. you got to be totally drunk.. then you just grab one and start fucking.."

Or something like that.

By then, I was wondering, do they have any idea how loud they are?

Darren wanted to switch seats.

But well hey, nevermind, we can ignore them. But I think after that our conversation felt a little bland compared to what was happening next door.

The climax of the conversation came after a while... after more discussion about their various sex-capades (which got quite ugly after awhile because the guy mentioned someone else's episode that involved faeces):

(the man talks in a smooth don juanish voice.. very nonchalant)
M: "You know what... I think the two of us should get it on."
F: ....................... (a bit of stammering I think)
M: "Haha oh my god you're totally freaked out aren't you! Look at your face!"

Yeah she WAS I think, cos she kept saying "what??" in a very accusing manner. He left for the toilet soon after - I suspect to give her time to think about it.

Thankfully, we were done with OUR dinner (no unagi makes for short meal), headed off for movie.

Was debating between the penguins, the ghost, the bitter old man... settled for the penguins. We were seated in the last row, the couple seat rows (which isn't really, since it's just the same kinda chairs with the middle arm rest taken out, but same price, so no diff).

We just kept talking about the couple, it was really quite amusing... the tackiest high-class restaurant we've ever been to, as Darren puts it.. and we were just discussing how funny it'd be if they came in and sat next to us.

And in true blue movie style... wouldn't you know it.. they were actually already in the theatre when we came in - occupying the opposite aisle seat - undiscovered till I turned my head to check out my fellow movie-goers.

Thought we'd see some hot and heavy action.. but we didn't lah.

On screen got a bit lah. The penguins lor.

March of the Penguins is so entertaining. Although I felt a little cheated for paying to watch the Discovery Channel on a big screen.

In other news, finally made contact with the object of my final photo project.

It's so cliche it makes me cringe. I mean, after I spoke to him ANOTHER photographer who had just finshed a project on him came up to say hi. But I don't care.. it still interests the hell out of me.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Desky Tales

Wah almost 10 days since my last post. Times sure have changed since Banglaland eh.

Finally got around to clearing my desk that has really been more of a shelf... even an iBook needs some breathing space. So armed with my newly created desk space.

I like my desk. Or table. It was scavanged years ago from the rubbish dump downstairs by my parents. In all their karang guni spirit, they have already lugged home a considerably number of items, including the sofa set in my living room. (That could be from another dump elsewhere.. my memory fails me).

Regardless of the usual implications that may be drawn from the previous paragraph, I must caution you to hesitate before making hasty judgements about a family's financial status based on what they decide to bring home. Let's just say that they have never brought anything back that looked like it actually belonged in a dump. Singaporeans do get sick of things quickly.

But yes, my desk. Very old school, solid wood, two drawers and two mini-cupboards (what's the name for those things??). I can barely remember the last time I actually sat here proper to do some work.. but images of JC maths are seeping into my head.

On a whiteboard propped against the wall in front of me, I have a collage of photos in front, JC classmates, scenary shots, and a blackboard from hall in First Year with my all-time favourite quote that I have yet to memorise so as to be able to quote it accurately:

"We have come to think of taking offence as a fundamental right. We value very little more than our rage, which gives us, i our opinion, the moral high ground."

I suppose the quote mattered more back then, when dealing with a highly combustible ex-boyfriend - but well we do get fond of things for all the wrong reasons.

I also have an Outward Bound sticker from Sec 3, a Mr Bean bear keychain, a set of pretty pretty purple butterfly stickers (just so pleasant to see), a Polly Pocket necklace-toy-thingy from my goodness eons ago, a flute from Bangladesh, a mini carplate with my name on it between "Queensland, The Sunshine State", and most recent of all: my cat's appointment card with the local vet.

No prizes in the designing/decorating department that's for sure. Very unlike some of the more "spiffy" rooms.. maybe even considered "funky" ... nevermind... that i've seen thus far.

(no prizes for creativity of title of blog either but tsk who's counting)

But yeah it's all a nice feeling.

Now i'm going to lift up surface of the middle portion of my desk (isn't it just sooo old-school) and see what kind of barang i had chucked in the last remaining storage compartment... very rarely used since it involves removing everything on top before I can actually open it.

I will grab a tequila (I love dfs), then you can assualt me, memories!!!!

Sunday, August 14, 2005


Perhaps the closest I'll get to understanding unconditional love.


Saturday, August 13, 2005

No hero in her sky

"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."

I had avoided the movie, as I avoid most other things that are hyped.. but well. No smoke without fire, yes?

Brings us all back to the question that comes up in conversations a bit too often - why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we insist on not sparing ourselves of all the drama and pain? Human beings - masochistic lot. Nothing is sweeter than what comes out of a challenge.

Why ask, "Did you ever love me?". What does it matter.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Space and Time Continues ERM to annoy me. (geddit? hurhur)

The 18-year-old version of myself would probably find this all very amusing. To think of all the whining (internal) I used to do (fuck, and external also lah) about having to travel what I felt was the LONGEST bus ride ever inflicted on a poor student (the whining creeping back in).

Here to Buona Vista.

And then? What happen?

BOON LAY happened. Boon-fucking-Lay.

*end of whine*

Hiyah. I'll just go get ready for my trek.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Pong: How come people you know you can judge leh. What's the diff. Shouldn't the golden rule be: do not judge.

You damn worse lah! As punishment, I'm going to make you say worse to your computer screen:


All together now... WOOOOOOOOORSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee?????

It's an elongated WURSE not were-us ah,

Don't sue me please.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Educational Rant

(Warning: Long rant much akin to talking to myself)

To teachers:

"If you're not serious about teaching, then don't teach. Don't go and fuck up other people's lives."

Seriously speaking, do teachers even know the kind of impact they have on their students? They should, since they were students once. Then why is it we still hear so many fucked up stories about horror teachers?

If you tell a student "you should drop this subject", do you really think the student is going to want to keep it, even if its possible for him to manage a decent pass if he works hard?

Discouraging remarks have the most impact when it comes from teachers - not family, not friends.

My brother wants a future in sports science. But biology is his worst subject. And now, after constantly failing it, he's feeling so damn discouraged that he's willing to take the risk and let it go - hopefully still manage to wrestle something out in future.

I wonder if it's too much to ask that teachers act as a motivating factor in student's lives, giving them the appropriate advice that would take them as far as their potential can bring them.

I always thought that was the point of being a teacher. Am i wrong? Or is being a teacher simply being a facilitator, an instructor, a transmittor of knowledge. That's it?

My brother's teacher told the entire cohort, "if you all think you cannot cope, then my advice to you is to drop a subject." (probably not exact quote, but the gist).

Really lah, she's not the first to say it. I've heard it myself in RJ.. but its only now that I realise what a stupid, stupid thing it is to ever say to anyone.

Now, most JC kids don't know what they want to do with their lives, so maybe it doesn't make a difference if they take that subject or not. But my brother does.

And when he hears this from his teacher, he just loses his will to fight harder for the subject.

Okay, so blame my brother for having not enough will power - but I still think a teacher's job is to strengthen that will power, and not weaken it.

And ok, so she was directing it to the entire cohort, and not just him. Slip of tongue. Should've qualified it with "IF you don't need it in future" (but at 17, who the fuck nows right).

Even so, what kind of message are you sending out? "Give up as early as you can and save yourselves trouble." Whatever happened to "try your best" and "work harder" and "you can do it!"?

Forget about being practical, forget about pulling up the school's overall grades by making the weaker students drop subjects. These are people you're talking about, not stocks and shares.

Of course, students must ultimately be responsible for him/herself - but teachers, don't make it harder than it already is, right? I hold teachers just as responsible as parents for a kid - whether you like it or not, as a teacher, you DO have that much of an influence.

That's just my opinon anyway.

My memory sucks, as I've mentioned before, but I will never forget how my primary 6 Chinese teacher put me down in front of the whole class after I ran around screaming with joy at having just managed to scrape an A for a test. ( I always get C or fail)

"You think your score very good issit? It's not good ok? Stop making so much noise and sit down!" (in chinese)

I remember this more vividly than all the encouraging remarks I've heard throughout my academic life.

I don't mean to be mean to teachers.. just worried for my brother I guess. They're human too, and I think too often I expect them to be perfect when they aren't. But I'm so lucky to have had great teachers (still having 'em hehheh).

I remember RJ's geog teacher MS Law, because she never ever ever ever favoured students, even those who were obviously brighter and scoring all the As. Usually weaker students get more scolding, gets the sacarstic end of the stick, etc etc.. but Ms Law made sure we ALL got the sarcastic end of the stick haha. It really is strange to see teachers picking on or scolding bright students. It's just a rare sight.

I remember Mr Purvis saying during the very first lecture, "all you kids not from a Raffles school... I know how difficult it is for you guys." He made it clear, that just cos you were from RGS or RI didn't mean SQUAT to him.

I remember the MANY occasions Ms Bala tried encouraging me by saying something positive followed by a piece of advice. Like, "You've good ideas, but you need to expand them further". Which really, sounds much better than a plain old "your GP essay is not up to mark". Small things, but I somehow remember. Haha, you've no idea how good it feels to see a "Good" scribbled by you in the remarks column of an essay.

And Mrs Ow...the maths teacher, who NEVER ONCE scolded me for sleeping in class. I've slept through ENTIRE tutorials. Meaning, I woke up to see her come in, and woke up again to see her leave. I asked her why, and she said the best thing I'd ever heard in my school life. "Hiyah I know no need to scold you, cos I know you know you stuff, so let you sleep lor."

Like. Unbelievable stuff. I still slept lah, but at least i made sure I really DID know all my stuff first.

Sigh. I miss my teachers. And I hope my bro don't drop bio.



If you dislike someone for disliking something, are you:

a) alright
b) just as bad as the other person
c) even worse than the other person?

For example, when I see people treat a tissue seller rudely, I get pissed off at them. But that means I'm making a moral judgement on them - and seriously, who the fuck am I to decide that I'm better off? In this scenario, I just end up being as bad as they are.

The only way out of this situation, as I can see it, is to really "let them be" and have as few opinions on people as possible.

Which makes me recall what Stanford said to Carrie in some SATC episode, "We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts and crafts; we judge."

Ya, so after ranting on to gq about this topic on dislike and hate I come back to the same bloody conclusion all the time, that i'm no better than those that I dislike. Judging is judging, no matter how you slice it.

"Sigh, we humans are so imperfect."
"Don't tell me you've just realised that."

Friday, August 05, 2005


I've become addicted to the Ji Pa Ban (One Million Dollars) Hokkien song that Mr Brown advertised a few days ago.
I don't know why lah, but I really like speaking in dialect and hearing others talk in it. Although half the time I keep saying the same sentences, and my greatgrandma/grandma/ma would probably not look too kindly at my constant butchering of the pronunciation - I still like it.

Made my dad (Malaysian-made Hokkien, mind you) listen to it, and he was laughing and telling me how he used to sing this in the police quarters with his friends (probably all NS boys) when some guy kept playing it on repeat.

And well, I'm hokkien too, but I can't quite differentiate between Hokkien and Teochew, and I only know how to speak the latter. Kinda the same, thankfully, so at least I can get the gist of the song (but without the chinese words i'm totally lost).

Chinese on my blog (old school summore) haha first for everything.
For Lar's benefit, since I like this song so much, here's the (not so literal) English translation:
If i've got a million dollars, a million dollars
If i've got a million dollars,
Don't say then nobody knows
Say already then very shy
Eat until so big already
Yet never sit airplane before
I work for so many years
Still no car, no house, no lover
See other people get married and do business
got money and got success
If I have got one million,
I wanna sit on a plane,
I wanna explore the world,
Hawaii to sun bath,
Japan eat sushi
Hahahahahaha. =)

Thursday, August 04, 2005

This is the Worse of the Worse lah.

Gay Bear
Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


401 discussion board threads are SCARY.

Unfortunately defeats the purpose because by the time I read till number 10, I forgot what Number 1 said already. When I'm at the 49th unread thread... I'm all "worse?".

I think its interesting how the topic of homosexuality forever remains a "favourite" for discussion.

Which is why i'm glad the gay community took the "not recommended" step of what someone called "fighting fire with fire" and organising indigNation.

Because after awhile, words can only do so much. I feel so proud to see a bunch of Singaporeans really trying to push the limits.


Feline update: I don't think i've ever looked more sua ku in my life, carrying one sling bag, one colourful yellow flowery bag (for cat) and one large umbrella trying to balance a very unhappy kitty on my shoulder. My trips to the vet are largely uneventful, save for such moments.


Wanted to blog about my day after my bath, but too tired. Lets just say

1. Starhub service is terrible
2. Raffles Place will forever and ever confuse my sense of direction
3. Lau Pa Sat should have big neon signs indicating which of the 8 entrances u're at
4. Selling one-for-one cocktails at $18 bucks each just makes u lose a customer.

Funny photo. Not from today though.


Monday, August 01, 2005


I'm coming, waltzing back
and moving pushing into your head... please
I wouldn't pass this by
Oh and I wouldn't take any more
and what sort of man goes by
I will bring water
Why won't you ever be glad
It melts into wonder
Oh lord im praying for you
Why won't you runinto the rain and play
and let the tears splash all over you.

Erm. Yes. Singapore Rebel video was very disappointing.

Really don't see how it could harm the PAP more than the opposition by letting it run. It was poorly produced, poorly scripted, with no effort at providing balanced or at least credible and objective information. No matter how accurate it is, people will just say "bah" and walk on, like they do to JBJ in town.

Ph, curry? Ok lor. Cheap jalan kayu prata.


Was not pleased at our Dean's speech in lecture this afternoon, because he came across pompous and a bit insincere - which is a pity because I really doubt that was how he was trying to come across.

But his comments about India left me cringing. In one big sweep, in his maiden introductory speech to final-year students, he mentioned floods, bad food, big bucks in connection to India.

Open minds yeah?


In other wordly news, Rajiv is going to Norway. This is damn bloody unfair.

Ok, it's fair lah, i'm just jealous like fuck.

But Lars, what will you do without me to break up the fights between you and the King of Communism???


Feline update: A scratch that narrowly missed my eyeballs and a couple of hard smacks on her butt later, we're frolicking on the carpet like little kids. Cat has decided that owner's underwear drawer makes for a great place to hide - me wonders at the infinite number of sexual innuendos Norman and Alvin will be able to make of this situation.

I have frequent fantasies dreamt up when I'm stoning into space during blank spaces of time such as when I'm on the commute, 'downtime' as Benny the Man calls it, imagining that one morning when I leave her outside to play as I'm getting ready to leave the house, I take up my bag march out of my room and call her name to come back in, and I see someone standing at the railings pushing kitty over the edge and I rush out and scream and see her fall to her death, but I don't look at the end because, well, I can't look, and I look at the guy who did it, and I imagine all the things that I would do to him and how I would have no regrets even if I end up having to spend time in jail as a result of what the judge would call "unneccessary violence."

And when I look at her, when we're alone in my room, I just have to close my eyes, and hear Dave Matthews singing about golden fire and I have a month old kitten on my lap again, and Noyon is outside my room knocking to be let in, the room still lingers with the smell of the pesticide I sprayed earlier, there goes Shalini going up the stairs, no doubt smoking up another joint.

And with my eyes still closed, I step outside to breathe the air, it's hot and musty, the rains will be coming soon. The security guard's still on duty, stripped to the waist with a thin singlet because of the heat, but he doesn't bother with me anymore. A cheeky salute, and i'm outside the gate, Noyon behind me, clinging on the the gate staring at the buses that pass. I walk a few steps, someone yells something from a passing rickshaw. Is it so late already? The lady is still there, I run up to catch her before she leaves.

She flashes a tired but amused grin at me. She doesn't speak much, but we smile a lot, and I guess that makes up for it.

As I do sometimes, I stand at the gate, and watch the world go by, the security guard's behind me. I wonder where he came from, how he gets enough rest when he does the night shift. Noyon appears with a toothbrush in his mouth. I love the way he brushes his teeth. Sometimes, even while still half straddled upon a motorbike parked unknowingly in the courtyard.

I go back to my room, I can smell the first drops of rain. I think about Jo, and how she'd love it so much to be here to smell the rain with her cuppa tea on the rooftop. The winds are so fantastic sometimes. Kitty's on the bed waiting for me, she's hiding, waiting to pounce. I wonder if my heart would burst with all that I'm feeling for her.

Do you miss Bangladesh?

Everyone asks me this. And I used to say, No, I don't.

How can you miss something that's so entirely different? It didn't make sense to my emotions to connect the two places. But, on the other hand, of course I do. It's not possible for me not to, i'm not that unsentimental.

And so, as I told Lars, I've realised when what you feel is so huge and entrenched in such a deep part of you, you just don't know where to start. I don't know how to begin missing Bangladesh. It's not a figure of speech, I really don't know how to begin.