Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Turning My Back

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It sucks that I keep forgetting to bring home the steamer. I am fast running out of wrinkle-free clothes to wear. Plus right now, I only have two pairs of wearable shoes (the others need to be washed or thrown out) and I have no jeans that doesn't make my thighs look fat. I'm no fashionista, but I do like some semblance of choice in the morning. Drastic action needs to be taken. I'll start by bringing home the steamer. Then maybe a gym membership.

The last gym membership (actually it was a dance class but technically its exercise to me) failed partially because I just couldn't make it on time anymore and mostly because I was not happy with the financial transactions I had with the place. And I shudder at the thought of joining the ranks of the yuppies who wear gym clothes in the middle of Orchard Road, but maybe there's no choice. At this rate, my ass won't fit into anything.

I did go cycling after midnight during the CNY break. Not in the mood to get dressed to go out, not in the mood to stay home and do nothing. So I got on a bike and went away. I cycled the whole stretch of Tampines Road only to discover I didn't have the guts to get onto the expressway to Sengkang so I had to turn around and cycle all the way back.

I tried to call the models to arrange to meet for a clarification interview as I did the captions for the photo essay. English over the phone can be difficult without accompanying hand gestures. Nataly said she'll call me back, but she never did and so I headed home.

I usually try to board at the end of the trains for more standing room, but today the train arrived just as I stepped onto the platform. Its always such an event for me, deciding which carriage to enter and which door to enter it by. Today's choice was made slightly easier by the fact there was a rather attractive dude who would've improved an otherwise dull ride with some eye candy.

But things always happen when you least expet it, and Nataly stepped out as I was about to step in. She didn't see me of course, I was lost in the sea of people. But its not difficult to spot a 1.8m tall girl.

So we went grocery shopping and had dinner and I did the interview. I found it difficult trying to simplify the question "How do you feel about being judged only by your looks all the time."

She tried to understand what I meant, and kept silent for awhile and then said:

"You can't recognise somebody you are not."

She probably meant something else, but that line really stuck with me for some reason.

And as the theme of the night (expecting the unexpected) continued, I just HAD to bump into the dude I met a week ago. Smart, funny, subtle, I had thought about him briefly in the morning (why did he NOT CALL) and I shrugged it off (or tried to anyway). I debated initiating contact. Then I remembered how the other attempt in the past went and decided against it.

So yes, running into someone you're interested in when you look like shit (with a model next to you for comparisons too!) and when he's with a very attractive girl is just not a nice way to end the night. But well, no love lost and no harm done. Just the way things are.

And I kept thinking of what someone said a year or two ago. She said, "When you get older, you realise there are just some people not worth wasting your time on."

Maybe its true. There are some people who certainly fall into that category. At 23, I think I do have time to waste - but maybe I just lack the energy these days. So, well yeah. Fuck off!

And I just have that nagging feeling others have come to the same conclusion about me as well. Ah well.

One of my bosses told me today that I have to be more ruthless in my work. I completely disagreed with him, but he said it would come with age. I continued to argue, but now I wonder if I am already more ruthless than he is. Which is worse? To take advantage of another's money, or to take advantage of another's trust?

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Yen said...

Your pictures are so hauntingly beautiful. How come I dunno how to take like that.