Sunday, December 09, 2007


Sometimes you find out things about yourself when you least expect it. Or at least, when you don't expect it.

The conversation was awkward enough, and I'm generally better at such things when they take place inside my head. In my head I'm awesome. In my head I ask questions like there's no tomorrow.

But this was real life. In a lighted scenario. No shadows, no where to hide. I didn't know what to do with my hands. Then, the question that I wasn't expecting.

"Why are you so nervous?"

First, the realisation that I was indeed nervous. Hand-wringing, lip-bitingly nervous.

Then, the question itself - why indeed?

"What are you afraid of?"

Puzzled smile, head tilted quizzically.

Instinctively I just said, "I don't know." One safe, plausibly honest answer for two impossible questions. But by this time my head (in which I am awesome, remember?) had joined the dots and I found out just how much a person can affect your life even if you haven't spoken in two years.

The fear hasn't left after all, it made itself a nice home in my head and I had forgotten to evict it - and I suppose I'm the only one to blame for that.