Sunday, September 26, 2010

I find that I've been getting angry more often -- not the kind of irritation that stems from a momentary frustration which can be brushed off if you just take a deep enough breath, but the kind of anger that makes me want to go on one of those never-ending rants that always ends with an awkward silence and with me feeling embarrassed. Suddenly, I'm back to being a fucking expert with an opinion on everything. I guess I'm still a judgmental bitch, and no amount of wishing is going to make that part of me go away.

To that end, I've kept myself away from most people. I find that I'm much better behaved if I just stay in with the cats.

I always read about people wishing from their death beds that they hadn't worked so hard, that they had stopped to smell the roses and enjoy life and take more walks on the beach etc etc. -- what about the others? What about those who spent their lives walking on beaches? Are there any dying people out there that say, "Fuck, I should've done something useful with myself. I can't believe the amount of time I wasted getting sand out of my clothes."

I have a feeling I'm going to find out.

Things I would like to regret: Spending too much time riding horses, reading far too many books, and wasting too much money on train tickets.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Along The Way

While on Bus 107

  • A mother with her young son on a bicycle at a traffic junction, making use of the waiting time by cleaning the boy's face with a towel.
  • A place called 'Yong's Teochew Kueh'. How is it that can't name a single type of Teochew kueh? Does peng kueh count? Is ngo hiang considered Teochew?
  • An ad for '24 hour Prawning'. What? Prawning is the new fishing, apparently.
  • A new 24 hour Indian Muslim coffeeshop on Upper Serangoon. Yay!
  • Serangoon is in Marine Parade GRC? WTF.
  • Public Campaign posters spotted: Recycling, Fire Hazards, Be Gracious on Buses

A little notice at our lift lobby informs us that Lift A and B will be permanently shut down in a couple of days. The openings will be sealed up. Since Lift C has gone through the ubiquitous Upgrading and now stops at every floor, joining its gleaming counterparts newly installed at either ends of the building, the HDB folks probably figured there was no longer a need for these two outdated lifts.

I felt a little sad at the thought of these two coffin-like contraptions becoming scrap metal. After all, I've been taking these lifts for the last 24 years, to the point that I can instinctively predict down to the last second how long it takes to reach each floor.

And then felt really sad for myself because it seems that I've formed attachments to inanimate public objects.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Three Things

1. Heard

"Ah but where is Singapore River ah?"
- local teenage girl speaking on mobile phone while next to the Singapore River.

2. Seen

A man with a bloodied arm.

3. Occurred

A Bangladeshi worker walking towards made a complete U-turn and headed away as I approached.

Friday, September 03, 2010


I've been meaning to blog, to say something in the public sphere - to issue a statement of sorts regarding my supposedly big leap back home after having been away. However, that would require me to summarise, or to explain, or to offer some sort of narrative, but that all seems rather impossible right now as the words just won't come, and personal understanding seems rather out of reach.

Isn't there supposed to be, at the very least, sort of an emotion upon homecoming? I've been trying to figure out what it is. Relief? Respite? Happiness? Unhappiness? Something? I just haven't been able to figure out what I am feeling, and now I think perhaps the elusiveness of that emotion is due to the fact that I feel nothing.

There has certainly been tangible feelings - such as feeling sated by good food, enjoying being physically seated at a kopitiam, and being able to hold and see the cats - but these are physical responses, not emotional ones, and with regards to the latter department, I must say that the lack of response scares me a little.

Then again, I am a bit of an idiot, and its only been less than two weeks. I've not even unpacked.