Writing grant proposals, drinking too much espresso, dreams of Cambodia and South Africa threatening to distract me, really needing a tiny little cigarette.

Things

- A sign that advertised 'Live Surgical Demonstration'
- Electric storm over Dhaka with humidity so thick you feel like there is a mask on your face. Thunder-less lightning is always unsettling.
- A dream about an entire cinema hall singing out loud BOWIE'S IN SPACE

Today I met an ayah on the roof of our building. She was walking up and down, across the length of the roof. I watched her for a while and couldn't help but ask her what she was doing. Walking! she said. Because any other form of exercise wasn't possible in Dhaka for her.

The city does strange things to people.

Whoever said that a watched pot never boils clearly didn't watch it for long enough.

Or at least, I think that is the belief on which my stupid brain operates.

the nearest exit may be behind you

Back in 2005, I actually did a daily countdown on this blog just to see how many days I had left in Dhaka. I remember getting rather stressed, because I couldn't finish doing all the things I wanted to do.

I expect that things will be a lot different this time around.

On my iTunes playlist is a 45 minute-long recording of an interview I did during my days at Lexean. I interviewed someone who ran a counselling center for single fathers, and I think it was one of the most enjoyable chats I had with someone while on the job. The conversation flowed effortlessly, and it makes me smile hear the words 'acrimonious' and 'state of equilibrium' uttered with a Singlish accent.

I let it play for a bit today - I find it strangely comforting to hear myself talking with a Singlish accent. I'm not sure if it's because I'm overseas, but I often catch myself lapsing into some weird bastardised British/American/Pretentious mixed accent -- it sounds so awful I don't know why people talk to me.

I find that I have a tendency to mimic accents -- you may want to kill me when you hear me speaking to someone who is French.

Anyway, the person I was interviewing was explaining the consequences of divorce and how they are trying to help keep families together, and something he said hit me as hard as when I first heard it:

"And after a while, the child is forced to choose - and that's what breaks children."

For all those who can't remember the lyrics. Remember - Sunday always comes too late.

That's Not Art

Rage (when not directed towards me) can be funny. Behold my latest source of the giggles:

That's Not Art by Garrett Murray -- where he bashes the shit out of so-called emo 'art'. I'm not sure why and how he comes across all these things, and god forbid that he's actually seeking them out.

Anyway. This site is not going to help me with my attempt to be POSITIVE and surround myself with GOOD energy. But it makes me laugh, so I figure it balances itself out.

See the Sun (via thelasthomerecording)

Hard not to, you know, unless you’re blind. In fact, I completely fail to take any meaning from this, even after trying very hard to get my mind into the state of ridiculous “things mean more than they seem” pseudo-artists. After 20 minutes of staring at this and thinking intensely, I’ve realized it actually has zero meaning. ZERO.

Things (via haylieerin)

Then you’re going to love this thing you just created.

Only More Love (via gatekeeper)

Shut up. Seriously.

So he asked me to tell him what I liked about him. In my reply, I tried to give answers that wouldn't make me sound too crazy. I didn't list down everything either. It would be impossible, and would not help much in the trying-not-to-seem-crazy department.

He laughed slightly at some of the things I said, but I'm not sure if he was amused or uncomfortable. When I was done, he remarked offhandedly, "You like everything!"

Oh you silly, silly man, you've got no idea.

It's reached that stage where some people actually leave the room when I enter. Perhaps its not so much because of my presence (this is credit that I would not like to take) but because they're not really supposed to be there.

Still, I don't enjoy being the Walking Reminder That We Have Work To Do.

Revamp.

It was time for a change anyway.

Am trying to get more organised, and posting all visual-related posts on Pause. Stop. Play -- I just need to direct my random-ness elsewhere.

I realised, that even after about five years of blogging, I've still not upgraded my technical blog skills - other than being able to find free templates a lot quicker than before.

And regarding Catharine Lim's latest article -- I'm not quite sure why, but it didn't go down very well with me, mainly because she slapped a negative connotation to the word 'dissent' from the beginning. Doesn't it just mean having a different opinion?

(I realised after writing this post that it is insanely boring. Sigh. And all I had wanted to do was to throw spitballs from the back of the class!)

Watched Lee Hsien Loong's interview with Charlie Rose today, and I. Cannot. Believe. He. Mentioned. SARS.

A question from a friend about Singaporean politics had me feeling rather ashamed and ignorant, and I tried to do some brief research online just to understand the fundamental principals of how is it we operate. I came across this paper Asian Values, Authoritarianism and Capitalism in Singapore by Soek-Fang Sim, in which it states:

Rather than being a proud and self-confident nation, Singapore exists only through psychosis, as an existentially anxious nation (that awaits the salvation provided by the PAP).

The sense of national fragility is heightened through the staging of media spectres...

Media spectres which we are all too familiar with, and which puts LSL's SARS comment (I don't care if he later retracted it, it just showed how well-rehearsed that response was) in an interesting light.

Total Defence campaigns, that image of LKY sobbing, those terrible racial riots, the National Day songs (There was a time when troubles seemed too much for us to take...) and the strange divisiveness in our notion of multiculturalism. LHL said as much in his interview (transcript):

LEE HSIEN LOONG: Well, we’re happy to be a metaphor, but we remind
ourselves that we have no safety net and we can always fail if we get it
wrong.

CHARLIE ROSE: And what would "get it wrong" be?

LEE HSIEN LOONG: If you don’t have the right government, if you have
the wrong policies, if you cause a loss of confidence. Supposing we were
in the situation of Iceland, of Greece --

CHARLIE ROSE: Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that.

LEE HSIEN LOONG: Where would we be? Iceland is a friend of the EU,
Greece is in the EU, so the Germans come riding to the rescue in some way.
But in Singapore, how are you ever come back?

CHARLIE ROSE: And who would come to the rescue of Singapore if you
had a huge debt problem?

LEE HSIEN LOONG: Exactly. We’d be just another broken-back country
permanently.

CHARLIE ROSE: So you can’t afford to be -- have that kind of
financial crisis because you’re not sure --

LEE HSIEN LOONG: We can’t afford to have --

CHARLIE ROSE: The IMF is not going to be there for you.

LEE HSIEN LOONG: We can’t afford to have a disastrous bump in the
night, whether it’s a financial crisis, whether it’s government
misbehavior, whether it’s a security problem. But we only have one chance
to make a go of it. You can fail -- you can succeed in many battles. You
fail once, it’s finished.

In the beginning of this paper, Sim explains that Singapore has managed to avoid the transition to a liberal democracy even though the problems of late-capitalism exists which should rightly lead to a "flourishing of liberal discourses". How did we manage to avoid developing such "liberal inclinations" and demand of "political choices"? How did we manage to avoid ideological fragmentation?

To protect its one-party rule against threats of liberalisation and welfarism, the PAP labelled these tendencies as dangerous "Western" values, the antidote to which was the "Asianisation" of society, where communitarianism is promoted as an alternative to welfarism and plural/liberal democracy.

At this point, I realise I am basically just attempting to summarise the paper as a way of understanding it better. Ah well, in my defence, 'Asian Capitalism' was not on Cenite's reading list for political science.

Asian Capitalism, as Sim points out, is contradictory. The Asian Values component preaches harmony, the whole idea of community/nation before self, and self-reliance (ie meritocracy). It supports the one-party ideology by "emphasisng consensus over conflict" and de-legtimises ideological alternatives as "opposition for the sake of opposition" is deemed un-Asian.

Through Asian Values, capitalism and authoritarianism becomes mutually reinforcing: authorianism protects capitalism by enabling it to be un-compromised by welfarist demands, while capitalism success "protects" and provides economic legitimacy for authoritarian governments.

The contradiction comes when you realise that communitariansm is opposite to competitveness -- but it is this opposite nature that allows the former to be used to make this version of capitalism "more caring and the nation more cohesive"

By encouraging citizems to dream a dream that only the PAP can bring to fruition, authoritarianism is rendered tolerable, even necessary.

Ah that Singapore Dream. For those who will spend their lives chasing that Dream, it is bolstered by what Sim calls the "meritocratic myth" - that if you work hard enough, you can make it. For those who already have plenty, you raise the ceiling so that they never reach that stage where non-economic dreams become important or relevant.

At this point, I had to resort to Googling more about this meritocratic myth which, as usual, made me feel stupid - how is it I have never come across this before? We have a chapter to ourselves on Wiki's Meritocracy page!

The success of this myth is just one of the many examples of the PAP's ideological success. That we complain about the cost of healthcare and yet think of welfarist values as being unthinkable and inferior, that we are exasperated by how stifling the Singapore Dream can be and yet accept it to be the "normal path" of life etc...

The moral, economic and political legitimacy of the PAP is seemingly undefeatable.

CHARLIE ROSE: How do you measure your commitment to democracy?

LEE HSIEN LOONG: I think we measure it by the legitimacy of the
government and by the results, how Singapore works and whether Singaporeans
are able to have a better life.

I'm halfway through the paper and am already exhausted. It was enlightening to read about all these things when they are being discussed in a coherent manner.

Told ya it was a weird day.

Weird Starts

A slightly strange start to the day - listening to Chávez's Copenhagen speech, enjoying my wonderful housemate's tale of her very strange dream which involved me and an unwanted party in our house, and a sudden recollection of this incident in Singapore in 2004.

I remember it made for wonderful tabloid fodder - managed to find a report of this 'investigation' conducted by TNP on Ondine's blog- and it made mrbrown's SNE column as well.

And to end it all, being 'followed' on twitter by a person who calls himself a 'conservatrucker':

I am a God-fearing conservative truck driver. I read the Bible daily. I listen to mostly conservative talk radio while I 18-wheel around the state of Michigan. This blog will consist of my opinions and perspective concerning the political landscape in America, among other things.

He tweets:

If my life ever comes to a point that I have to accept any type of gov't assistance, that is when I'll consider myself a failure.
4:53 AM Apr 24th via UberTwitter

Ah... here's a toast to the health of you and your loved ones, and the excellent insurance coverage you guys must enjoy!

Not for a long, long, long while.

EMAIL FROM DAD TO MOM WITH ME ON CC

Called Sis to congratulate her on the arrival of Choon's baby. She sounded so happy and excited.She forgot I am in Taiwn. She will be a good grandmother. JUST WONDER WHEN YOUR TURN will come.

Forgotten Things

Because I have a memory of a goldfish, trawling through old emails can be a rather nostalgic experience.

I had completely forgotten about acting for Joce's Serum City as a propaganda host, forgotten about a trip to Tioman with some friends, forgotten that I signed off an email to Mal with "don't fire me", forgotten what an self-righteous idiot I was/am, forgotten about the photos I took with a green lizard next to my face, forgotten about that an email with the words: "Hi! I have attached the pictures of the girls. Hope you like them." Ahhh....

It makes me very happy to have two hours in the morning to 'warm up' before the day begins - filled with a routine of mindless internet surfing, elaborate breakfasts, multiple cups of coffee, careless browsing of newspapers.

And then the day starts and I sometimes wonder to myself is it really so bad to wish that the morning would last forever?

GENERIC ASTROLOGY READINGS WHICH ARE
SPECIFICALLY APPLICABLE TO MY LIFE

• There are indications of mistakes in life arising from your impulsiveness, which is heightened and readily expressed by your emotional nature.
• In love you are sympathetic and intense and try to conduct your romance according to your idealistic conception of love.
• Your well-developed imagination often leads you into the realm of *mysticism, and there are *religious tendencies in your nature. (*Applicable only if you substitute 'mysticism' with 'idiocy' and 'religious' with 'alcoholic'.)
• Once you have made up your mind, you are closed to all other suggestion or opinion.
• Pluto opposition the Ascendant shows that you attract people with powerful egos and strong temperaments. (Cause...)
  
• This indicates that the key to more spiritual and material development lies in your response to the several tests destined for you which consist of patiently enduring difficulties through human relationships. (... and Effect.)
  
• Your inner self seems attracted to unusual matters related to the termination of life-death and its mysteries.
• You will begin to realize the significance of friends and how important they are to you.
• It may be necessary to struggle and break free from circumstances that you encounter in your work or with authorities, such as employers or government agencies.
• At any rate some obstacle is preventing you from doing what you have to do, and you want to rebel against it.

NOT-SO-NICE THINGS I'VE SAID TODAY

I think you guys can get back to work. Adda [chat] time is over.

Erm... I think its a lot more complicated than that.

I don't care.

What you've done is unacceptable.


I'm going to need a better excuse than that

"Destroying intellectual freedom is always evil, but only religion makes doing evil feel quite so good."- Phillip Pullman

Goosebumps. Read from here, thanks to this first link from Tym!

The heat is taking a toll on things. I count one case of a severe stomach virus thingamajig, four cases of semi-serious diarrhoea and general nausea, one case of high fever and one case of high-blood pressure that was a skip away from a heart stroke.

All this within the last week - general productivity is down because everyone feels like CRAP (and you can't go online in the house when there isn't electricity), the erratic electric supply is wrecking havoc on generators and computers, and just getting through the day uses up all the energy you have.

I never thought of things in terms of energy levels and good/bad vibes etc -- but I've been doing so recently, and it seems to make sense. It's just becoming really difficult to recharge, although a basketful of kittens might just do the trick for me.

I just feel worried, that the worst has yet to come.

LINK

Heat

The days are growing unbearable as the suffocating heat of summer descends upon us. Power cuts are now for two hours at a stretch, several times a day - so sometimes I'm only able to go online for an hour or two when I'm back in the house. I'm already pretty lucky that my area doesn't seem to suffer from a shortage of water (yet), unlike many other areas of Dhaka where you see queues of women and children collecting water.

I said to a friend last night, how I don't understand how anyone can be sure about anything anymore. And yet, I find great comfort in constant sensation of 'not knowing'. If anything, this certainty of doubt gives me great consolation. And strangely enough, given all that has happened over the last few months, I was pleasantly surprised to find out - after being forced to dig deep into my head - that I am still unchangeably hopelessly and inexplicably optimistic.

And in my head, I find myself constantly thinking about what Delahaye said:

... he maintains that "photojournalism is neither photography or journalism. It has it's function but it's not where I see myself: the press is for me just a means for photographing, for material, not for telling the truth. In magazines, the images are vulgar, reality is reduced to a symbolic or simplistic function. . . one of the reasons for the photographs' large size is to make them incompatible with the economy of the press." - Link

In other words, what inspired the picture-takers, the newspapers, the magazines and television the most was not the civil war or the planned massacres of hundreds of thousands of Tutsis and moderate Hutus, but the humanitariam melodrama, ‘the endless lines of refugees, the sacks of rice, the orphans and field hospitals, the images of downtrodden humanity and resolute volunteers, of suffering and salvation’.


- The media and the Rwanda genocide. Allan Thompson. 2007.

The dead bird in an open cage is a visual that I've always had in my head - and I hope to be able to develop this and take it further some day.

- The Dead Bird. Margaret Wise Brown and Remy Charlip. 1958.

These remarks have been forced from us by a keen sense of the wrongs and injuries to which our feathered friends are constantly subjected, arising from an observation of the vast amount of unnecessary suffering entailed upon them by carelessness more than heartlessness. "We are persuaded that many of the tears which have been shed over dead birds, have proceeded as much from contrition for neglect, as from sorrow for the loss sustained; and our fair readers will, we trust, pardon us if we remind them in the words of Thomas Hood, that,

"Evil is wrought by want of thought, As much as by want of heart."

The cage should never, in winter, be left in a room without fire.

- Chapter II, Bird Cages. Canary Birds Manual. William Wood. 1869.

- Waking. John Everett Millais. 1865.

Theme of the week.

"ll est beau comme la rétractilité des serres des oiseaux rapaces ; ou encore, comme l’incertitude des mouvements musculaires dans les plaies des parties molles de la région cervicale postérieure ; ou plutôt, comme ce piège à rats perpétuel, toujours retendu par l’animal pris, qui peut prendre seul des rongeurs indéfiniment, et fonctionner même caché sous la paille ; et surtout, comme la rencontre fortuite sur une table de dissection d’une machine à coudre et d’un parapluie ! "

- Les Chants de Maldoror. Comte de Lautréamont. 1869.

Oh how clever.

A few years ago I had this great fantastic wonderful idea of printing my own t-shirts so that I could wear a new one every day. How else would I be able to share my thoughts and feelings with general society?

Well that is not going to happen, although I still yearn for that purple shirt with these words in shiny gold: "Your Disco Needs You."

Am enjoying the rants of MOG (Miserable Old Git) thanks to a link from Christine. His comments of this year's WPP makes me feel all kinds of good. There had already been discussion here about the strange lack of captions, and the changing visual taste of WPP juries, but I think what we really needed was a good rant like this.

I was rather undecided about the winning picture, but MOG helped me make up my mind:

...isn’t it reasonable to assume that the appropriate place to see the image that goes on to win the world’s most prestigious photojournalism competition is actually on the front pages of the world’s press? The problem is, this perfectly successful picture would just not read on an average newspaper front page; it would need a Guardian-type centre spread or magazine double page display to do it justice. Or is it really meant to be a framed print on a gallery wall? I rather think that those who guide the destiny of WPPh would not be unhappy if this were to happen.

Of course, thousands of people go to see the WPPh exhibitions all over the world but this is not press coverage in any real sense but rather photojournalism extracted from its natural context and put on the wall. There’s a danger that we will end up with a pointless parade of photojournalists as visual peacocks, displaying their beautiful feathers to each other in a secret garden.

I've met a few peacocks here and there. They are the ones who introduce their work by first listing all the awards and accolades it received. The story and the purpose takes second place. This itself is not a problem - it becomes irritating when you claim to have done the story because you want to 'help' or 'raise awareness' or 'make visible the invisible'.

And I couldn't help but laugh when I read about the CREEP:

Exhausted by his internet experience, MOG is now inviting readers of this blog to join him in a campaign for the eradication of repetitive photojournalism (CREEP). The mission statement is to encourage contemporary photojournalists to pledge to avoid predictable visual situations. Among suggested subjects generally embargoed might be:

• Women in black weeping over their dead menfolk.
• Terrified civilians running away from trouble in a crouching position.
• Posed groups of defiant rebels waving Kalashnikovs or rocket launchers, giving the victory sign.
• Soldiers on the frontline, arms at the ready, looking meaningfully at the enemy.
• Soldiers leaping out of helicopters, primed for action.
• Anyone taking, smoking or injecting drugs.
• Hell’s Angels posing with macho motorbikes.
• Frenzied music audiences screaming at rock bands.
• Skate boarders silhouetted against a brooding sky.

* Update: Have now read Matthias Bruggmann's passionate response to the article in the comments section and I'm all confused.

Morning Moments

The Makings of a Good Day

• A man with carrying a solitary fish in a plastic bag.
• A public wall painted with the words of Henry Miller: "I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive." Touché.
• Silly motorcyclists carrying their helmets instead of putting it on.
• A man with purple pants and red socks.
  
• My CNG driver alerting me to a road accident (look look look!!! tsk tsk tsk) because I was too distracted scribbling down these notes in my notebook.