Meulaboh

I don't know how else to put this, but I'm going back to Meulaboh.

I'll be gone from the 20th to probably 27th, taking photos of whatever goes on there during the one-year anniversary for Mercy Relief.

There's a lot of things swimming in my head now, but nothing tangible enough to express. I've gone from overjoyed to extreme nervousness/anxiety to guilt and confusion - my head's quite fucked up now.

What I do know for sure, is that I'm beyond-words grateful. To the person who offered the lobang, to the people who have been happy for me, to the pix desk people who had every right to been as nasty as they wanted to but didn't, to Liwei who really has been so nice about the whole situation.

I really don't know what I've done in my past life to deserve all this luck.

I know of more deserving people out there who don't get quite as many breaks as I do. Why do I get so many chances in life? It makes me get complacent sometimes, and yet I'm always constantly aware.

Its the reason why I feel guilty for ever feeling down or sad. Why I only whine to a select few people who understand me because I don't think others will tolerate it since I have nothing to whine about. Why I feel so ridiculous mulling over an ex.

Once, in Bangladesh, when I was feeling less-than-happy, I forced myself to sit down and write out all the blessings I could think off. I don't remember how long the list got, but I think I made the point to myself.

I try really hard to have an attitude befitting of my life, but sometimes I fail. Ok fine, a lot of the times, I fail.

I don't know what people will think about this, but I've already spoken in person to those who mattered and I (hope) know what they think, so that's all I care about.

This trip means more to me than I can explain. And I just want to say again that I'm very very grateful.