k i t s c h y p o t e m k i n

A supposedly great day went awry at night.

After dinner with mom at Toa Payoh, I couldn't bear to go home, and no one seemed free, so I headed to City Hall by myself.

Took a slow walk (above ground) to Esplanade, I spotted what looked like the OIC delegates (why do you all still wear your dog tags at night) walking towards the Raffles City Plaza's hotel (whatever they changed the name to so far)... and that elaborate security system they set up complete with newly installed ground sensors and huge tents and armed mats joking around (haha). Then later at night I realised it was probably Tony Blair in there.. ah well.

Wouldn't it have been funny for a group of us to pretend to campaign for the Olympics to be held in Singapore? Haha give out fake flyers and put up fake posters.

Anyway, when I reached the Esplanade, I managed to catch the last two songs by NUS's Lounge Lizards.. rather tight jazz piece if you ask me, a little unsure of themselves, but still it was very enjoyable. It's been so long since I heard live music.

And better still, later when I was outside California Bistro headed to the waterside a group of boys was doing a bit of serenading, complete with costumes. I'm still a little lost as to what exactly they were.. a mix of ang mohs and mats playing little guitars.. singing in Spanish (i heard the word Senorita) but dressed a la medieval Britain with tights and fluffy tunics. Confusing. But it was very very nice to hear.

And then later I just relaxed by the water, in between a couple making out and two mats smoking and talking about stuff.

And as I was headed towards Fullerton, trying to figure out where to get my bus from, I heard what sounded like cannon or gun shots (how'd i know the difference right) from the Shenton Way area, and walked quickly to emerge from under the Fullerton bridge to see fireworks lighting up the sky. It was quite a sight... it wasn't those puny little bursts.. it was one huge burst of sparkles after another, illuminating the skyline of Shenton Way and making everything smoky. I don't know what it was for though.

So I headed home. And that's kinda when it all went downhill. Because the bus I thought I could get for a nice long ride home turned out to not operate past 7pm on weekdays (like PH would say, a very SMLJ situation), so I had to take a bus and transfer to MRT and walk.

But I DID see the same manja tabby on the way back. Purring like anything. That's a plus.

But I think it's because I've been trying to hard to stay out of the house (i think everyone thinks i'm nuts i'm always wanting to meet nowadays, what a fucking doublestandards hypocrite i am)then when i do reach home, everything comes crashing down.

Eventually went to sleep, and I had nightmares about the same thing over and over and over tille I woke up at 2 pm with a fucking headache and feeling hot and sticky all over because of sweat.

It's no use running away from things. I ran for a week, running and running supper after supper and meeting and msging people and trying to get away but its no use it always catches up with you. And when it does, it bites back even harder.

I can't give subjects to my posts anymore because I don't know what's going on.

I can't wait for Aceh. I need to go back to the basics. This may all be made worse by a subconscious Dhaka-withdrawal thing. But yes, I miss the anonymity, if anything. I miss being FORCED to be alone.

Like I told my mom yesterday... when your life's difficult, your choices become easier to make. Not talking about myself of course. Like I know I can spend a whole fucking day wondering whether to buy a Pair of Shoes A or Pair of Shoes B. But in Dhaka, you just fucking buy it if you need it lah.

I guess that's what I miss. Its so-called the "hard life", not in the sense difficult (because fuck i had more steak in Dhaka than in Singapore), but entirely raw. None of that pansy flitting in and around of life, but almost primal and well.. just your basic raw existence. Food, Water, Shelter.

Because I didn't have all that much money to spend and live like an expat, I couldn't exactly have the life that I was used to. So it was work-sleep-work-sleep-occasional indulgence in brownies and latte-work-sleep-work-sleep.

It REALLY is! oh my god it really is easier to be happy when you've less things to be happy about.

And now i'm back, and its the same old FUCKING tune that makes me sick, orchard-movie-hanging out at coffee places-people watching-window shopping-another movie-beer-more beer-clubbing-shouting at people in noisy clubs-back to orchard-movie-have coffee.

Fuck lah. I should've known better and eased myself into it. But Noooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Guiqing asked me the other day if I missed Dhaka. Ya, I do. And I think we all do, not Dhaka, but what it represents. But not everyone knows it, so we just live our lives knowing we're missing something and needing something and we never know what it is. The itch that we just can't find.

I'm so, so incredibly lucky to at least have a small idea of what it is.