82 days: Out of Sorts

Weird things have been happening recently. I'm not too sure if my pms is starting, or my sensitivity mode is going into overdrive or what, but I just get the sense that a lot of people are pissed at me.

It's the looks I get sometimes when I go to school, some people who I used to think I got along with fine have somehow put on a veneer of steel between me and them. It's transparent, it's thin, but it's there, and I feel it. Smiles are forced, conversations seem scripted, and I'm just standing there wondering what on earth did I do to make them unhappy or upset with me.

I have a very bad feeling that I'm never going to find out unless I ask. Maybe the truth is they misunderstood me, maybe they didn't. Maybe I really did something wrong which I wasn't aware off, and that's the worst. Because right now I feel my conscience is clear, but that's only because I think I know everything... I might've done something I forgot about.

It's quite sad really, and I feel like asking them what's wrong. I try to be friendly and all, but nothing has changed.

What on earth did I do? Why can't they tell me?

I appreciated it when someone came to tell me off after I did something to piss her off. Don't pretend to be ok with me when it's not. Just tell me, let me explain, perhaps forgive me, so we can move on.

Because I never mean to do a lot of the things I do which hurt people, and as you all know, it's only during the aftermath that you regret, not before.

And I just get this sense of immense misunderstanding and prejudice and stereotyping flying all around the school. I think the whole PI situation aggravated it greatly.

While I'm not about to detail what I think is going on, I do think that some people have very rashly jumped to certain false conclusions.

Somebody mentioned to me before that she felt a whole lot of competitiveness flying around the school, especially in the journ division. While I do agree that the journ division seem to have by far the most ambitious people, I disagree with that definition of "competitivenss"

When people use that word, they imply some sense that others are trying to up one on you, trying to gain the upper hand over you - in other words it's taken to be a very personal threat.

But it's not like that at all, everyone's just doing their own thing. Some are better than others, but is that their fault? I seriously don't believe anybody is trying deliberately hard just so as to be BETTER than other people.

So to me, there is competition, but competition in the sense of may the best man win, not dammit that man is trying to be better than me and I better not let him.

But some people differ, it's their loss.