Nellie the Equatorial Penguin

I have a dream of creating a comic strip titled "Nellie the Equatorial Penguin".

Nellie was conceived pretty much in the likeness of the cute baby penguins in that frenchie movie, but peppered with a dose of Cartman's nastiness/idioticness (since we wouldn't have to travel far to make the physical-similariy connection), and lives miserably at The Pole and dreams of better days in a place where she just wouldn't feel so damn cold all the time.

"Maaaaaaaaaaaaa can we moooove i'm coooold...."


I like Nellie very much already. She would hide a blasphmous pink hawaiian pineapple keychain under her fat arms and sneak looks at it from time to time to think of her warm happy place. And her neurotic mom (is there any other kind) thinks she has some kind of drug problem because she's always sniffing and shivering.

Headache, body aches, lerthagy, no motivation, sluggish culture...

Maybe withdrawal from not realising sooner that Aceh would likely be my last trip overseas this year.

Did I tell you, that up on a poster on a temple wall was my Chinese "Boar" zodiac reading which said "this will be a year of travel for you."

Bad Movie Alert

It was one of those occasions, when the limits of time made it such that only a few movies were avaiable for our selection.

You know that feeling, when you gotta pick between Possibly Bad Movie A and Possibly Bad Movie B, and all the logic in your head have lined up to form a little protest line with picket signs saying "GO HOME!!! NOooooo!!!!" but you still do it anyway because there's that little glimmer of hope that you might discover a good movie which people avoid because of a bad title...

Ya that feeling lor.

Anyway, lesson learnt tonight:

1. Nothing good to watch, don't watch.
2. Shall not watch anymore movies with:
a. prehistoric animals
b. bats
c. giant bats
d. prehistoric giant bats
e. time travel


Actually, i'd steer clear from anything involving humans being chased by animals. The last good movie with that theme was Jurassic Park, and i think it kinda spoilt the dinosaur-movie market.

But well, A Sound of Thunder, other than having yummy Edward Burns (who did not manage to save the show), had terrible blue screen action (the Daytona crash stimulation in the arcade was better than the computer animated car crash I saw), terrible acting of fellow constipated actors, terrible lines, terrible directing.. terrible everything.


But!

It does make me want to read the short story it was based on. Sounds like it'd make much more sense on paper than on film.

Cats and such.

When I say i did nothing but take photos of cats and children this trip - i'm really not stretching the truth that much.

Dammit, I just wanted to enjoy myself this time round. And I think I did.. although I don't have much to show for it that would make others believe... cats and children photos are personal.. you gotta be there to appreciate the memories I think.

And so, I think that my life would be a perfect zen-mix if I could either:

1. Work as staff in a children-related NGO while volunteering for the local SPCA (wherever).
2. Work as staff in the local SPCA (wherever) while volunteering at a children-related NGO.


I used to try to shake off my fingers' tendancies to press the trigger everytime something feline or youthful walked into my line of sight... clicheclichecliche... but I think I shall try not to control that for a while and see how things worked out. I really haven't smiled so much at my photos for a long time. Even without any commercial value... at least it makes me happy.

And COME ON, I do not believe that kid shots are as easy as people tell me. Sure, they smile and pose, but to get the ONE photo that summarises it all... where it goes beyond just a cutesy face and smile.. that's the thing I'm trying to lookout for.






In other news, I played God today and got Kitty spayed. Have been whining about this inevitable decision to just about anyone who was unlucky enough to be around... I've said it before and I say it again - it's just not my right. She isn't my cat, she's A cat bunking with me.

And besides, she didn't get the full works that Darren's cats had.. which I found out a tad bit too late. No fancy funnel for her head to prevent unneccessary biting of the stiches, no antiseptic lotion to apply... and released after a grand total of 2 hours.

If anything goes wrong... there'll be more than one bitch at the clinic I can gurantee you that.

She hasn't eaten the WHOLE day, making it a full 24 hours and making me very worried... rejected (violently) the antibiotics I tried to force feed her, drank no more than a few sips of water.

Am very afraid of what tomorrow will bring. I do not want one of those lazy fat buggers who can barely be bothered to raise their head to look at you lazing at my void deck. OK... that's what I wanted AT FIRST, till Kitty showed me the meaning of the word CAT.

Am so covered with wounds/scars/scratches that it's mildly depressing when I examine them.



How could you not fall in love?

"There is no truth in words. There is no warranty."

It's been almost a year since I wrote that on the old blog, and I must admit that optimism has failed me, and the truth of those words still resonate as strongly as they did before.

Everyday, I wait to be proven wrong, and somehow I have this sinking feeling that I may actually be right.


And yah, Aceh was great.

Round 2

Daddy's Girl
Originally uploaded by elsija.

I leave tomorrow for Aceh again. 10 days of simple living. Well, not so simple, if you count the DVD player in the house, but yeah you know what I mean.

"You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, yet you're terrified that somebody's gonna put you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in a cage and you built it yourself. And it's not bound on the east by Somali Land or on the west by Tulip, Texas. It's everywhere you go. Because no matter where you run, you're always going to end up running into yourself."

- Fred darling

I heard it once a long long time ago when I was 12 or 13, and again when I bought the DVD last year. I always find it amazing how words can strike at you so differently - a different chord, a different resonance.

I asked around a lot about what kind of music people listen to when they're sad, and till today I've yet to find someone who does the same as me - I drag out the happiest, teeny-boppiest, chirpiest tunes I can find. Which is not strange to me, because why the FUCK do I want to make myself feel worse, but people say they listen to sad music when they're sad because it has a sort of carthartic effect. I've tried it once - and it did not carthartic-away anything. And the irony of it all, which was the point of me starting this ramble, is that it just so happens the tunes I like to listen to in a normal state of mind has been frequently labelled as "depressing" and "morose". So my whole point is, do not judge a person's desire to wallow in depression by the music they typically listen to. Methinks its all a tad bit misleading. I am NOT stupidly masochistic, however I may appear.

Having a big kick out of reading letters to the forum thread titled "This isn't 'Our Tsunami'"

Excerpts:

"But as valid as the mayor's characterization may be on an emotional level, this is not "our tsunami." This is our Hurricane Katrina.... Mayor Holloway has a right to his grieving rhetoric, but his words don't belong in The Oregonian's front-page headline."

"I wondered how long it would take a benighted fundamentalist Christian to nominate Hurricane Katrina as a sign that their God is in a snit over liberalism ("Storm is sign from God," Letters, Aug. 31). Odd that the punishment meted out by Jan Landis' God would strike three Southern red states that probably contain more Baptists and Pentecostalists per square mile than they do heedless and hedonistic liberals."

"So those darn liberals are the cause of Hurricane Katrina and probably global warming, too? What's next? Sacrificing a couple of virgins into Mount St. Helens' crater every week or so?"

Meow

Ah, the simple joys.

Kitty is rolling around the floor in utter glee, scrabbling at a piece of balled up paper light enough to fly across the room with one swipe of her paw. I can never quite tell what will end up as her playmate of the day.. but more often than not it's a balled up piece of something.

And i just spent the past 15 mins trying to find a scratch on my finger that was bleeding. After I'd gone to retrieve a plaster, I just can't seem to be able to find it anymore. So I suppose if it doesn't even hurt or bleed I don't really need to plaster it... but.. but... how can it just disappear like this!! Worse than trying to find an itch.

My cat has killer cheekbones. I mean... from her face itself you'd think she was all shrunken and anorexic.. but she's not! (as proven by oh so cute tummy).. must be a Bangla thing. Them northish indians and their cheekbones.



Just thinking back at my 401 tutorial yesterday... Now there's finally an explanation for all the forum letters I've been seeing over the years.. all those complaints and feedback that, in my opinion, sounded quite ridiculous. The level of asian conservatism is just simply astounding. Even in my class of 20 something year-olds, I just note what seems to be a degree of "my ass before yours" and a utter respect for the whole concept of "saving my face above everyone elses".

Quick to complain - that's what we are. Quick to assert our rights in what I really think is a strange way.

I'm talking about people who write in to say "how can you allow these good for nothing teenagers to listen to such loud music on their walkman on the mrt don't you know that it's so irritating i coming home from work and people tired want to rest you know and then you boomboomboom so noisy what is the society coming to no respect and blaablaaabalaalaaaa."

shit that's Boomhauer!


Not that i don't get irritated as well.. but there's always a choice isn't there? Same emotions - different reactions.

And when we get older? That could very well translate to being quick to sue - the hypothetical scenarios in class all show how, in order to protect ourselves, we are willing to head towards lawsuits.

I tell you, it freaked me out completely at first.

Don't you see, it's because of this lawsuit-happy attitude that makes things so impossible sometimes? Just because your toes indeed HAS been stepped on, it doesn't mean you HAVE to file a lawsuit!!! There's always such a thing as "let things be" or "lets go another route". It seemed to be some kinda trigger-reflex action - as long as fault can be found, a lawsuit therefore we must file.

NONonononononooooooooooooooooooo.

*sigh*

MMmmmmmmusic....

10 minutes early for a morning class. Who would've thought?

Realised yesterday how lucky I was to be able to have easy access to great live music - thanks to the boy and his musical friends. I mean, it's hard enough finding bands that play reasonably well... much less find those that play songs you like.

Had a bit of a strange day VS night conundrum, when I found the Esplanade area looking a tad alien and unfamiliar because I was seeing it in the day... and also when I realised that there are some faces that I've never seen lit by sunlight. Not that they don't go into the sun laaah.

Made me feel vampire-ish... which is ridiculous, because I'm more of a day than night person.


Anyway... listening to live music rocks jess's socks. Better still when you know the musicians themselves are loving it.


And from my now-defunct project on graffiti:



I enjoyed playing guess-where-the-kids-go-to-do-illegal-scrawlings. But half the fun of climbing around steep inclines and squeezing myself into rather uninviting looking spaces evaporated NO THANKS to either my lack of back and shoulder muscles or a too heavy backpack - depending on how you want to look at it.

I am a turtle whose shell is now too heavy. =(

Sex and Sushi

(all puns deliberate and intended)


Had quite an aurally stimulating dinner when Darren and myself had the pure unadulterated luck of sitting next to a twosome intent on talking about sex.

It was quite like an audio rendition of SPG and Sash's blogs.

Set the scene - Japanese restaurant at Marina Square, a large-sized Indian fella in work clothes and a tall but petite Chinese girl in casual denims.

My back was towards them, but I guess Darren's horrified face was enough entertainment.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think we're prudes but... well get a load of this (just the gist, I can't remember ALL the details):

M: "So what was your weirdest?"
F: "On the dining table... with my mom in the house!"
M: "My god.. how's that even possible?"
F: "There are ways... exciting what!"

I think that was uttered around the time we were placing our orders.. and I didn't know whether or not to ignore it at first. Then,


F: "So.. what about yours?"
M: "Oh, I've done a couple of orgies... the biggest one was organised by mumblemumble"
F: "ahh...."
M: "Yeah.. you just go there.. taking shot after shot.. you got to be totally drunk.. then you just grab one and start fucking.."


Or something like that.

By then, I was wondering, do they have any idea how loud they are?

Darren wanted to switch seats.

But well hey, nevermind, we can ignore them. But I think after that our conversation felt a little bland compared to what was happening next door.

The climax of the conversation came after a while... after more discussion about their various sex-capades (which got quite ugly after awhile because the guy mentioned someone else's episode that involved faeces):

(the man talks in a smooth don juanish voice.. very nonchalant)
M: "You know what... I think the two of us should get it on."
F: ....................... (a bit of stammering I think)
M: "Haha oh my god you're totally freaked out aren't you! Look at your face!"


Yeah she WAS I think, cos she kept saying "what??" in a very accusing manner. He left for the toilet soon after - I suspect to give her time to think about it.

Thankfully, we were done with OUR dinner (no unagi makes for short meal), headed off for movie.


Was debating between the penguins, the ghost, the bitter old man... settled for the penguins. We were seated in the last row, the couple seat rows (which isn't really, since it's just the same kinda chairs with the middle arm rest taken out, but same price, so no diff).

We just kept talking about the couple, it was really quite amusing... the tackiest high-class restaurant we've ever been to, as Darren puts it.. and we were just discussing how funny it'd be if they came in and sat next to us.

And in true blue movie style... wouldn't you know it.. they were actually already in the theatre when we came in - occupying the opposite aisle seat - undiscovered till I turned my head to check out my fellow movie-goers.

Thought we'd see some hot and heavy action.. but we didn't lah.


On screen got a bit lah. The penguins lor.

March of the Penguins is so entertaining. Although I felt a little cheated for paying to watch the Discovery Channel on a big screen.



In other news, finally made contact with the object of my final photo project.


It's so cliche it makes me cringe. I mean, after I spoke to him ANOTHER photographer who had just finshed a project on him came up to say hi. But I don't care.. it still interests the hell out of me.

Desky Tales

Wah almost 10 days since my last post. Times sure have changed since Banglaland eh.

Finally got around to clearing my desk that has really been more of a shelf... even an iBook needs some breathing space. So armed with my newly created desk space.

I like my desk. Or table. It was scavanged years ago from the rubbish dump downstairs by my parents. In all their karang guni spirit, they have already lugged home a considerably number of items, including the sofa set in my living room. (That could be from another dump elsewhere.. my memory fails me).

Regardless of the usual implications that may be drawn from the previous paragraph, I must caution you to hesitate before making hasty judgements about a family's financial status based on what they decide to bring home. Let's just say that they have never brought anything back that looked like it actually belonged in a dump. Singaporeans do get sick of things quickly.

But yes, my desk. Very old school, solid wood, two drawers and two mini-cupboards (what's the name for those things??). I can barely remember the last time I actually sat here proper to do some work.. but images of JC maths are seeping into my head.

On a whiteboard propped against the wall in front of me, I have a collage of photos in front, JC classmates, scenary shots, and a blackboard from hall in First Year with my all-time favourite quote that I have yet to memorise so as to be able to quote it accurately:

"We have come to think of taking offence as a fundamental right. We value very little more than our rage, which gives us, i our opinion, the moral high ground."

I suppose the quote mattered more back then, when dealing with a highly combustible ex-boyfriend - but well we do get fond of things for all the wrong reasons.



I also have an Outward Bound sticker from Sec 3, a Mr Bean bear keychain, a set of pretty pretty purple butterfly stickers (just so pleasant to see), a Polly Pocket necklace-toy-thingy from my goodness eons ago, a flute from Bangladesh, a mini carplate with my name on it between "Queensland, The Sunshine State", and most recent of all: my cat's appointment card with the local vet.

No prizes in the designing/decorating department that's for sure. Very unlike some of the more "spiffy" rooms.. maybe even considered "funky" ... nevermind... that i've seen thus far.

(no prizes for creativity of title of blog either but tsk who's counting)

But yeah it's all a nice feeling.



Now i'm going to lift up surface of the middle portion of my desk (isn't it just sooo old-school) and see what kind of barang i had chucked in the last remaining storage compartment... very rarely used since it involves removing everything on top before I can actually open it.

I will grab a tequila (I love dfs), then you can assualt me, memories!!!!

Kitty

Perhaps the closest I'll get to understanding unconditional love.

No hero in her sky

"Where is this love? I can't see it, I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can hear it. I can hear some words, but I can't do anything with your easy words."



I had avoided the movie, as I avoid most other things that are hyped.. but well. No smoke without fire, yes?

Brings us all back to the question that comes up in conversations a bit too often - why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we insist on not sparing ourselves of all the drama and pain? Human beings - masochistic lot. Nothing is sweeter than what comes out of a challenge.

Why ask, "Did you ever love me?". What does it matter.

Space and Time Continues ERM to annoy me. (geddit? hurhur)

The 18-year-old version of myself would probably find this all very amusing. To think of all the whining (internal) I used to do (fuck, and external also lah) about having to travel what I felt was the LONGEST bus ride ever inflicted on a poor student (the whining creeping back in).

Here to Buona Vista.

And then? What happen?

BOON LAY happened. Boon-fucking-Lay.

*end of whine*


Hiyah. I'll just go get ready for my trek.

Pong: How come people you know you can judge leh. What's the diff. Shouldn't the golden rule be: do not judge.

You damn worse lah! As punishment, I'm going to make you say worse to your computer screen:



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All together now... WOOOOOOOOORSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee?????

It's an elongated WURSE not were-us ah,




Don't sue me please.

Educational Rant

(Warning: Long rant much akin to talking to myself)

To teachers:

"If you're not serious about teaching, then don't teach. Don't go and fuck up other people's lives."

Seriously speaking, do teachers even know the kind of impact they have on their students? They should, since they were students once. Then why is it we still hear so many fucked up stories about horror teachers?

If you tell a student "you should drop this subject", do you really think the student is going to want to keep it, even if its possible for him to manage a decent pass if he works hard?

Discouraging remarks have the most impact when it comes from teachers - not family, not friends.

My brother wants a future in sports science. But biology is his worst subject. And now, after constantly failing it, he's feeling so damn discouraged that he's willing to take the risk and let it go - hopefully still manage to wrestle something out in future.

I wonder if it's too much to ask that teachers act as a motivating factor in student's lives, giving them the appropriate advice that would take them as far as their potential can bring them.

I always thought that was the point of being a teacher. Am i wrong? Or is being a teacher simply being a facilitator, an instructor, a transmittor of knowledge. That's it?

My brother's teacher told the entire cohort, "if you all think you cannot cope, then my advice to you is to drop a subject." (probably not exact quote, but the gist).

Really lah, she's not the first to say it. I've heard it myself in RJ.. but its only now that I realise what a stupid, stupid thing it is to ever say to anyone.

Now, most JC kids don't know what they want to do with their lives, so maybe it doesn't make a difference if they take that subject or not. But my brother does.

And when he hears this from his teacher, he just loses his will to fight harder for the subject.

Okay, so blame my brother for having not enough will power - but I still think a teacher's job is to strengthen that will power, and not weaken it.

And ok, so she was directing it to the entire cohort, and not just him. Slip of tongue. Should've qualified it with "IF you don't need it in future" (but at 17, who the fuck nows right).

Even so, what kind of message are you sending out? "Give up as early as you can and save yourselves trouble." Whatever happened to "try your best" and "work harder" and "you can do it!"?

Forget about being practical, forget about pulling up the school's overall grades by making the weaker students drop subjects. These are people you're talking about, not stocks and shares.

Of course, students must ultimately be responsible for him/herself - but teachers, don't make it harder than it already is, right? I hold teachers just as responsible as parents for a kid - whether you like it or not, as a teacher, you DO have that much of an influence.

That's just my opinon anyway.


My memory sucks, as I've mentioned before, but I will never forget how my primary 6 Chinese teacher put me down in front of the whole class after I ran around screaming with joy at having just managed to scrape an A for a test. ( I always get C or fail)

"You think your score very good issit? It's not good ok? Stop making so much noise and sit down!" (in chinese)

I remember this more vividly than all the encouraging remarks I've heard throughout my academic life.

I don't mean to be mean to teachers.. just worried for my brother I guess. They're human too, and I think too often I expect them to be perfect when they aren't. But I'm so lucky to have had great teachers (still having 'em hehheh).

I remember RJ's geog teacher MS Law, because she never ever ever ever favoured students, even those who were obviously brighter and scoring all the As. Usually weaker students get more scolding, gets the sacarstic end of the stick, etc etc.. but Ms Law made sure we ALL got the sarcastic end of the stick haha. It really is strange to see teachers picking on or scolding bright students. It's just a rare sight.

I remember Mr Purvis saying during the very first lecture, "all you kids not from a Raffles school... I know how difficult it is for you guys." He made it clear, that just cos you were from RGS or RI didn't mean SQUAT to him.

I remember the MANY occasions Ms Bala tried encouraging me by saying something positive followed by a piece of advice. Like, "You've good ideas, but you need to expand them further". Which really, sounds much better than a plain old "your GP essay is not up to mark". Small things, but I somehow remember. Haha, you've no idea how good it feels to see a "Good" scribbled by you in the remarks column of an essay.

And Mrs Ow...the maths teacher, who NEVER ONCE scolded me for sleeping in class. I've slept through ENTIRE tutorials. Meaning, I woke up to see her come in, and woke up again to see her leave. I asked her why, and she said the best thing I'd ever heard in my school life. "Hiyah I know no need to scold you, cos I know you know you stuff, so let you sleep lor."

Like. Unbelievable stuff. I still slept lah, but at least i made sure I really DID know all my stuff first.

Sigh. I miss my teachers. And I hope my bro don't drop bio.


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Question:

If you dislike someone for disliking something, are you:

a) alright
b) just as bad as the other person
c) even worse than the other person?

For example, when I see people treat a tissue seller rudely, I get pissed off at them. But that means I'm making a moral judgement on them - and seriously, who the fuck am I to decide that I'm better off? In this scenario, I just end up being as bad as they are.

The only way out of this situation, as I can see it, is to really "let them be" and have as few opinions on people as possible.

Which makes me recall what Stanford said to Carrie in some SATC episode, "We all judge. That's our hobby. Some people do arts and crafts; we judge."

Ya, so after ranting on to gq about this topic on dislike and hate I come back to the same bloody conclusion all the time, that i'm no better than those that I dislike. Judging is judging, no matter how you slice it.

"Sigh, we humans are so imperfect."
"Don't tell me you've just realised that."

Hokkien

I've become addicted to the Ji Pa Ban (One Million Dollars) Hokkien song that Mr Brown advertised a few days ago.
I don't know why lah, but I really like speaking in dialect and hearing others talk in it. Although half the time I keep saying the same sentences, and my greatgrandma/grandma/ma would probably not look too kindly at my constant butchering of the pronunciation - I still like it.

Made my dad (Malaysian-made Hokkien, mind you) listen to it, and he was laughing and telling me how he used to sing this in the police quarters with his friends (probably all NS boys) when some guy kept playing it on repeat.

And well, I'm hokkien too, but I can't quite differentiate between Hokkien and Teochew, and I only know how to speak the latter. Kinda the same, thankfully, so at least I can get the gist of the song (but without the chinese words i'm totally lost).

若是我有一百,萬一百萬

我有一百萬

一世人就輕鬆

無講無人知

講到真歹勢

吃甲彼呢大漢

擱不曾坐飛機

打拼彼多年

無車無厝擱無愛人

看人娶某擱做生意

有錢擱有勢

Chorus:

若是我有一百萬

我要坐飛機

我要遊世界

HAWAII曬太陽

日本吃壽司

Chinese on my blog (old school summore) haha first for everything.

For Lar's benefit, since I like this song so much, here's the (not so literal) English translation:

If i've got a million dollars, a million dollars

If i've got a million dollars,

Don't say then nobody knows

Say already then very shy

Eat until so big already

Yet never sit airplane before

I work for so many years

Still no car, no house, no lover

See other people get married and do business

got money and got success

Chorus:

If I have got one million,

I wanna sit on a plane,

I wanna explore the world,

Hawaii to sun bath,

Japan eat sushi

Hahahahahaha. =)

This is the Worse of the Worse lah.

Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by

consterNation

401 discussion board threads are SCARY.

Unfortunately defeats the purpose because by the time I read till number 10, I forgot what Number 1 said already. When I'm at the 49th unread thread... I'm all "worse?".

I think its interesting how the topic of homosexuality forever remains a "favourite" for discussion.

Which is why i'm glad the gay community took the "not recommended" step of what someone called "fighting fire with fire" and organising indigNation.

Because after awhile, words can only do so much. I feel so proud to see a bunch of Singaporeans really trying to push the limits.


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Feline update: I don't think i've ever looked more sua ku in my life, carrying one sling bag, one colourful yellow flowery bag (for cat) and one large umbrella trying to balance a very unhappy kitty on my shoulder. My trips to the vet are largely uneventful, save for such moments.


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Wanted to blog about my day after my bath, but too tired. Lets just say

1. Starhub service is terrible
2. Raffles Place will forever and ever confuse my sense of direction
3. Lau Pa Sat should have big neon signs indicating which of the 8 entrances u're at
4. Selling one-for-one cocktails at $18 bucks each just makes u lose a customer.

Funny photo. Not from today though.

#41

I'm coming, waltzing back

and moving pushing into your head... please

I wouldn't pass this by

Oh and I wouldn't take any more

and what sort of man goes by

I will bring water

Why won't you ever be glad

It melts into wonder

Oh lord im praying for you

Why won't you runinto the rain and play

and let the tears splash all over you.

Erm. Yes. Singapore Rebel video was very disappointing.

Really don't see how it could harm the PAP more than the opposition by letting it run. It was poorly produced, poorly scripted, with no effort at providing balanced or at least credible and objective information. No matter how accurate it is, people will just say "bah" and walk on, like they do to JBJ in town.

Ph, curry? Ok lor. Cheap jalan kayu prata.

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Was not pleased at our Dean's speech in lecture this afternoon, because he came across pompous and a bit insincere - which is a pity because I really doubt that was how he was trying to come across.

But his comments about India left me cringing. In one big sweep, in his maiden introductory speech to final-year students, he mentioned floods, bad food, big bucks in connection to India.

Open minds yeah?


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In other wordly news, Rajiv is going to Norway. This is damn bloody unfair.

Ok, it's fair lah, i'm just jealous like fuck.

But Lars, what will you do without me to break up the fights between you and the King of Communism???


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Feline update: A scratch that narrowly missed my eyeballs and a couple of hard smacks on her butt later, we're frolicking on the carpet like little kids. Cat has decided that owner's underwear drawer makes for a great place to hide - me wonders at the infinite number of sexual innuendos Norman and Alvin will be able to make of this situation.



I have frequent fantasies dreamt up when I'm stoning into space during blank spaces of time such as when I'm on the commute, 'downtime' as Benny the Man calls it, imagining that one morning when I leave her outside to play as I'm getting ready to leave the house, I take up my bag march out of my room and call her name to come back in, and I see someone standing at the railings pushing kitty over the edge and I rush out and scream and see her fall to her death, but I don't look at the end because, well, I can't look, and I look at the guy who did it, and I imagine all the things that I would do to him and how I would have no regrets even if I end up having to spend time in jail as a result of what the judge would call "unneccessary violence."


And when I look at her, when we're alone in my room, I just have to close my eyes, and hear Dave Matthews singing about golden fire and I have a month old kitten on my lap again, and Noyon is outside my room knocking to be let in, the room still lingers with the smell of the pesticide I sprayed earlier, there goes Shalini going up the stairs, no doubt smoking up another joint.

And with my eyes still closed, I step outside to breathe the air, it's hot and musty, the rains will be coming soon. The security guard's still on duty, stripped to the waist with a thin singlet because of the heat, but he doesn't bother with me anymore. A cheeky salute, and i'm outside the gate, Noyon behind me, clinging on the the gate staring at the buses that pass. I walk a few steps, someone yells something from a passing rickshaw. Is it so late already? The lady is still there, I run up to catch her before she leaves.

She flashes a tired but amused grin at me. She doesn't speak much, but we smile a lot, and I guess that makes up for it.

As I do sometimes, I stand at the gate, and watch the world go by, the security guard's behind me. I wonder where he came from, how he gets enough rest when he does the night shift. Noyon appears with a toothbrush in his mouth. I love the way he brushes his teeth. Sometimes, even while still half straddled upon a motorbike parked unknowingly in the courtyard.

I go back to my room, I can smell the first drops of rain. I think about Jo, and how she'd love it so much to be here to smell the rain with her cuppa tea on the rooftop. The winds are so fantastic sometimes. Kitty's on the bed waiting for me, she's hiding, waiting to pounce. I wonder if my heart would burst with all that I'm feeling for her.

Do you miss Bangladesh?

Everyone asks me this. And I used to say, No, I don't.

How can you miss something that's so entirely different? It didn't make sense to my emotions to connect the two places. But, on the other hand, of course I do. It's not possible for me not to, i'm not that unsentimental.

And so, as I told Lars, I've realised when what you feel is so huge and entrenched in such a deep part of you, you just don't know where to start. I don't know how to begin missing Bangladesh. It's not a figure of speech, I really don't know how to begin.

Revamp, remake, readjust, reconstruct, re-do.

The sites that have been rendering me into girlish fits of giggles in the dead of the night should be visited by all.

Born on the Ninth of August

The "Very Uniquely Singaporean Blog" got some video clips which I'm sure most of us has already watched.

But here are the more specific links, for the:

1. Cloudywind's National Day Dance MTV (rightclicksaveas)

(highly recommended that you view the Original clips first. Who's a better dancer? Stephen Chow or Taufik? Close fight man. Let's see what becomes of poor Rui En after this.)

Regarding the original video, what's up with that multi-coloured phoenix-like weirdo bird that keeps flying around? Is that our country's new logo? Lion, Tiger, Orang Utan and now Phoenix issit.


2. The NKF Affairs I and II

(Damn funny lah. Although i seem to be the only one to think so.)
(Lars: Erm. National Kidney Foundation controversy recently about the CEO being paid too much and using public money to do what was considered too extravagant stuff for a so-called charity organisation. The Peanuts references is due to a comment made by our ex-prime minister's wife that a pay of S$600,000 was considered "peanuts".)

(Rewatched the clip. Tony Leung is just......... *sigh*.)

3. Tak Giu

I couldn't watch it in Bangladesh due to the supremely fast connection, but I just did. Haha. Not exactly a really good production, but the Singlish was thoroughly enjoyable lah.

(Lars: It's about local soccer, in a mixture of Mandarin and dialect. The accents are about as accurate as u can get LISTEN AND LEARN)


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Note: Cat does not seem perturbed by loud nationalistic music despite close proximity. Put forth that either cat is damn bloody lazy, or music is soothing (worse?)

What do you all think about this year's National Day video ah. Don't state the obvious like, song sucks, singers sucks etc lah.

Let's see... this year they protrayed (breakdown included because I am damn free):

1. Weird-ass bird badly superimposed over typical nighttime Singapore skyline
2. Young vibrant youths dancing outside old Supreme Court dressed in Hip Hop/Funk clothes
3. Typical scenic sunset with romantic couple walking
4. Breakdancing
5. Youths/Teenagers playing basketball
6. International and local kindergarten kiddos
7. Factory workers
8. Weird-ass bird fly over Raffles Statue
9. Weird-ass bird fly over PSA cranes
10. Weird-ass bird fly over Changi control tower
11. Weird-ass bird fly over ShentonWayish buildings
12. Malay boy playing Chinese chess with old Chinese man
13. Graduates flinging caps
14. Smiling factory workers
15. S-League
16. Series of Happy Family shots
17. Youths dancing in subwayish MTVish shiny metal place (unable to identify what type of look they were trying to achieve)
18. Office 9-to-5 workers looking happy and dancing
19. RuiEn and Taufik looking "glam" in front of some shower of gold sparkly things
20. Weird-ass bird flys across sky

Erm ok. I tried to think of more stereotypes they can include to round up the happysmiley package, and they forgot:

1. old people chatting at HDB voiddecks
2. people getting married


That's about it I think.


I reject the video based purely on intuitive emotional responses, in the sense that I refuse to identify with it or allow myself to feel "happy wholesome feelings" which I'm sure the filmmakers were trying (desparetly) to evoke.

Which is stupid, really, because how can you find fault with all the cliches listed above. You can't say "NO that's not true" because they're all kinda quite accurate.

But the lie is in what we DON'T see, which is really stupid to find fault with because I mean, it's a NATIONAL DAY video.

So it all comes down to the same reason = the utter denial of shit = the kitsch.

Hiyah, I think I will forever be regurgitating anything that came packaged by the government. That's just a terrible attitude.


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After I kao bei about something about GoFar, Cherian said something which made me feel a bit shocked.

He said, that journalistic curiousity is not a selfish sort of interest, (he was addressing something like my worry about exploiting subjects for the sake of stories), but a curiousity put forth for the public.

Not for yourself, but for the public. "The public's right to know"...

I think 6 months of not having done commercial journalism made me forget this very fundamental thing about journalism.

So I was shocked because I indeed had not been thinking about my "audience". I don't know how I forgot about them... but I think was too carried away by my stories or subjects to care about who was supposed to be reading about 'em.

But then the problem is - what if I don't give a shit about the public?

Then wrong profession already right?

Hm.

Why is it so hard for some people to be nice.

Who is The Tree?

The Tree.

1. Who are you
2. Why is your nickname so... ya.

Do you know how difficult it was (at this time of night) to come up with a another sentence other than "Who is the tree?" I feel stupid.

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Screen Singapore looks good. I'm definately going for Pontianak Night. I've such a one-off interest in movies.

Too bad not showing Singapore Rebel. When will we ever get to watch that show? I want to see how neutrel and how deserving of the ban the director was.

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And Jalees did good in telling everyone about the 401 list. I mean, I heard about it, but never did check it out.

Better than friendster man. No one can update their photos.

I'm surprised mine turned out decent. (SHUT UP DON'T CONTRADICT ME ON THIS POINT), considering that the reason why I may like taking photos is just so that I don't have to be on the other side because i always turn out looking like someone else.

Don't you all get that? I never look like how I think I look like. Not that I think I look like a supermodel, but it just feels kinda funny-weird different.

There's a theory waiting to be applied here, but I'm too tired to think.



Right now wondering what to do about my lack of accomodation, since I can't get hostel till godknowswhen, and had to pass on someone's very tempting offer to rent a flat because i've been a bloody slacker and have no savings of my own to sponge off.



And oh, lost my handphone. Can last 6 months in Bangladesh, but 1 month in Singapore and some bloodymtfker had to "decide not to return it". Remember (s)he didn't technically STEAL it since I probably left it someplace. Checking table when you leave and checking taxi seat when you get out is apparently not enough of a measure(s) to prevent loss of handphone. Boody dirty, scratched, one piece of plastic hanging on for its dear life... and plus everyone says it's ugly!! I've the most "bo hua" to steal phone in the world...


Shall drown my... erm.. sorrows? with a very lonely new unopened bottle of my favourite poison in the kitchen. All hail DFS.

First day at school and i'm already procrastinating on work.

Felt quite claustrophobic in school... just so many bloody people. Doesn't help that I'm pmsing and had a terrible start to the day.

But the thing is, I realised that after three years, I STILL DON'T RECOGNISE SOME PEOPLE.

On the way home, I ran into two schoolmates from primary school that I occasionally bump into and have that random conversation once every couple of years. Apparently, they were "meeting to catch up" and have "been in touch regularly ever since primary school".

I can safely say that I don't keep in touch regularly with ANYBODY from primary school. The most regular would have to be my primary six form teacher - and i haven't spoken to her in at least a year.

And when my friends from secondary school (thank god at least i've some left over from that era) get together to talk about the "old times", i find myself at a complete blank. Complete episodes which they remember so well are totally not in my mind at all.

I don't know why I've always been flitting in and out of places and things in my life to end up with such a poor impression and even worse memory of my past. My memories are all "selfish", in the sense that i only remember things that happened to me. But i know people who can tell me stuff that happened to others, even stuff that happened to me which I forgot about.

Even from JC, which is only 4 years ago... i don't keep in touch with anyone at all. I can barely remember what it was like in class - only if i really sit down and force myself to reconstruct a scene.

I'm just wondering - do i have such a poor regard for human interaction?

I'm just feeling a little perplexed tonight.

The Return of the Jessdie (geddit?)

There are two ways to post an entry after a trip to a place like Aceh:

1. The factual report (bitching included)
2. The story style

I'll do both lah.

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"When the first wave came, you could hear people screaming for help, 'Tolong, tolong!'. After the second wave, you couldn't hear anyone anymore."

Singaporeans at 63 typically start to retire. Those lucky enough already have grandchildren and a fat pension, spending their times either in kopitiams downing Guiness or in country clubs sipping wine - depending on the strata of society.

He spends his day sawing wood, building a new shelf to put his things on. Everything in his tent supplied by the UN were scavanged from the ruins of Ujung Karang, the little outcrop of land not unlike a peninsular - the place which was the worst hit in Meulaboh, the place that had been his home for the past 20 years.

He stays next to his friend, probably his oldest friend other than his wife. He has not yet found his wife's body. It may have already been six months, and he may have already stopped looking, but the desire for closure is still there.

"I know she's dead, but until I see the body, I don't know if i've lost her, or if she's died."

His face is blank and expressionless when I force him to recount the day the waves collasped on Ujung Karang. This is the first time in six months they have spoken about it.

"After the earthquake in the morning, we sat on the roof of our houses staring at the sea. We saw the waters start to go down, as if it were low tide, and we went down to pick the fishes left behind. When we saw the wave rushing towards us, we ran to the other side. But there was a wave coming from there too. There was no where to run. The waves came at us from three directions. When they crashed, it was like a bomb exploding."

He survived by clinging on to a piece of wood, and was swept out to sea.

"I was lucky to go out to see. Later, when the waters came back from the city, it brought with it all the dead bodies. Everyone who was swept to the city died."

I asked if he knew of entire families that had been wiped out. He repeated what he had already told me with an ironic smile, "Remember? Only three of us from our village survived."

Ujung Karang is beautiful, even by the standards of those who frequent beach resorts. The sunsets will take your breathe away, the silhouettes of empty broken houses just make the place more tranquil.

Perhaps, the beauty of the place is all the more enhanced by the knowledge of how much has been sacrificed to it. It is not known how many are buried in the mass graves, but to speak in thousands would be safe.

With nothing left to build your imagination on, it is difficult to envision what this place used to be like. After half a year, rubble and the dead has been cleared, leaving broken pieces of foundations and flooring overrun by weeds. A few pieces of clothing and personal items are strewn all over the place.

I wanted to ask him, "Why do you still go on living?" But I ask that with an assumption that he does, and I really did not want to be corrected on that point.




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After a few days, I stopped asking people I met "Did you lose anyone in the tsunami." I asked instead, "Who did you lose in the tsunami?"

The first question was pointless. Because everyone said yes. And I mean everyone. My driver, my translator, the people I interviewed, the people I chatted to on the streets. Every single fucking one. And to have to ask two questions on the topic was simply uncalled for.

Girlfriends, mothers, fathers, brothers, children, sisters, grandchildren, neighbours, babies.

Guiqing mentioned something about all this being such a big fucking joke. What a way to kick people when they're down, eh? As if being poor wasn't enough.

Other than that, I enjoyed myself. What a fucking strange thing to say, yes? But as an experience, it was good, I learnt stuff. I liked the people, my driver, Rahman, made my life so easy, going out of his way to help me catch the sunsets.

Even though I enjoyed myself, I'd like to believe that there is a line between having a good experience, and making a mockery out of the entire event.

Judging by the behaviours that I witnessed in my group, I think at some point or other, everyone made a mockery of the disaster.

I was initially pissed off at it, but hey, a joke is a joke, and who am I to decide what really goes on in their head? But I am amazed that some people, throughout that one week, remained relatively impassive and unemotionally touched by what has happened.

My theory is that they were to caught up with getting their stories done. Which is all fine, because hell we were supposed to do that anyway. But I really don't know how to not get affected when interviewing people who have lost everything. Not in front of the people anyway, but after that, when in the house, I just had to get away from all the joking and laughter and seemingly mundane talk.

I am starting to feel "morally superior". It's a flaw, I am aware.

We all have different ways of dealing with things.

But when I got to know the people, I didn't want to do the stories anymore. It seemed pointless after awhile. I guess I didn't have that much faith in my stories being able to help anyone. I wanted to do the help myself, with my own hands. It seemed a much better use of my time.

I don't know, I can't wait to go back in September, and see the old men again. FUCK THE ETHICS I am bringing them stuff.

Ethics are for when I start working, and I'm not working now.